scared to blog

This is going to sound crazy but at times. Well most of the time, I'm so scared to blog. To really tell the world about what I am truly feeling. I know a blog is supposed to be a place where you can release all the things built up in your melon --- like a release of sorts but even though I write without revealing my true identity, people still know who I am. And perhaps, it is just that I don't want THOSE people to know how depressed I really am. Or the thoughts that are constantly pouring into my mind and sloshing around and too afraid to type what I am really feeling. I don't want anyone to judge me. At least, not on my personal blog. People judge me enough in the real world and that's why, perhaps, I have chosen to become a full on hermit.

People, in general, scare me. This is not a secret. And most, I do not like. I've always been this way. Well, since I was 15 and all that crap happened to me in 1982. The anniversary is approaching.

October 29, 1982 was when the Letter to the Editor was printed. The one I wrote. And Halloween 1982, all hell broke loose. That was then I realized who my real friends were. And it wasn't very many. As you see, once upon a time, I was THE popular girl. Me. And only ME.

Then it all changed. For the worse. Looking back, I suppose I've been brainwashed enough to believe that "everything happens for a reason" and "let go, move on" ....but it's never left me. The loneliness has always stuck. And the memories of it all.

And the first time learning about KARMA.

Here's a truth. I hate my job. I hate it. It's still super hard and it appears to be getting harder. I knew nothing about the medical field other than what I know from being diabetic and having sleep apnea and the occasional sore throat. But after working 10 months this Thursday there... I still am in the infancy stage of trying to fathom everything and digest and even try to remember, retain SOMETHING!!!!

I get NO support from anyone. None. And anytime I try to tell my mom about it, she throws back into my face how many times I had told her "how much I love my new job." But I'm not going to do a damn thing about it. Because... I'm already "settled in" here. In my teeny tiny one bedroom, no dishwasher apartment. And I also feel stupid for telling everyone about my "great" new gig and loving it to pieces.

Today, I am on my fourth day off. Every other week, I get four and a half days off. I don't return to work till tomorrow at 2pm. Then I'm on through Sunday. It'll be fine, IF I get good workers to be with. But lately, it all feels to fake. So forced. So awful.

I am to be HAPPY & CALM all the time, my supervisor told me. Or tells me constantly. I am to not express my thoughts or anything to anyone but keep my mouth shut. She told me the other day that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. She can always tell when I am upset or in a bad mood. Well she's no magician because I can tell when others are too.

Leave me be. Please.