one month to go

Tonight I had one trick or treater. It was a horse.

I did get to watch all four episodes back to back - four hours straight - of American Horror Story. I am all caught up now and am excited to know, I'm no longer lost in the show. It's still creepy to me but I'm not turning it off now.

Then I caught a show about a bunch of Skunk Apes - cousins to the almighty Big Foot - down in the swamps of Florida. Quite intriguing. Then I slept and slept and slept solid and a rock.

Now I have a cold. And I cannot stop sneezing or blowing my nose! I hate this time of year. I got the flu shot but still am surrounded by a zillion germs now...worse than when I worked with all the children last year. And speaking of the word "year" ...I cannot believe come December 27th will mark my one year anniversary with my current job. I still remember when I was offered the job. It was December 14th. I was so excited but slightly annoyed I didn't get the wage I originally asked for.

It will be in 10 years, when I will make what I had originally asked for. They give 3% raises annually. So far I've only gotten a 2% raise on my six month anniversay. Still.... all my monie troubles followed me from last year to this year. And it still sucks. And has weighed down on me all these past months and today.

muck you.

To the bitch who had to go to my old high school blog I made just for my class of 1985 for our 20th reunion back in 2005. So what, an error was made. Muckity muck to you. And <<poof>> it's now deleted. I was sick of having that up anyways since 2005. And for good measures, I blocked her on facebook too....oooohweeee. I have so much power!!!!

Last two days haven't been ALL that bad at work. I tolerated it. I'm still stuck working the weekend though and it's low census ... meaning we have no peeps to look after. Gee, how many packets of crap can I make in a 10- 1/2 hour shift tomorrow??? I'd have better luck locking myself into the toilet and hand picking off each of my leg hairs since I accidently forgot to shave all summer long!!!!

Perhaps I'll live as a pioneer woman did ~ hairy legs and all ....shit, I'm already on the prairie.

pickles

I am addicted to them. Hate the sweet kind though. I don't understand their purpose. But dill, give me a bucket of them and they'll be gone by bedtime. My other addiction: sunflower seeds. It's all I eat during my favorite teevee shows.

Tonight, is "American Horror Story" ... a new favorite even though I missed the pilot and still am trying to figure it all out. I still don't understand the guy with the half burned face. I read he was an old owner of the "house of murder" and he started a fire there and that's how he ended up looking like he does now. And I find him somewhat charming. I mean, he did, after all murder Hayden last week. With a shovel.

In less than two hours I go back to work. To start MY four and half days of work. I don't know how to feel about this or what to feel or anything other than I'm cold. I'm holding out on wearing socks and anything winter. It's pretty dreary out too. I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude too. I am. I have like a zillion positive little signs on my desktop. I read them. I get what they are telling me. But I just need to believe it.

And what I hate about going in at 2pm on Wednesdays is.... it takes me like a good 30 minutes to digest exactly what the hell is going on. A lot of shit has transpired since I was last there on October 21st. I always feel stupid just sitting there trying to regroup. And everyone walks by and says hi and I say hi back and then boom, I'm thrown in the trenches. Every second of that place is different. Nothing stays the same. Ever.

I'm eating hamburger pickles right now and I am not so okay with that. I bought a big ginormous jar of them on Saturday. I thought they'd last longer than the whole ones. But today, they aren't doing anything for me but upset my stomach. And that I hate.

scared to blog

This is going to sound crazy but at times. Well most of the time, I'm so scared to blog. To really tell the world about what I am truly feeling. I know a blog is supposed to be a place where you can release all the things built up in your melon --- like a release of sorts but even though I write without revealing my true identity, people still know who I am. And perhaps, it is just that I don't want THOSE people to know how depressed I really am. Or the thoughts that are constantly pouring into my mind and sloshing around and too afraid to type what I am really feeling. I don't want anyone to judge me. At least, not on my personal blog. People judge me enough in the real world and that's why, perhaps, I have chosen to become a full on hermit.

People, in general, scare me. This is not a secret. And most, I do not like. I've always been this way. Well, since I was 15 and all that crap happened to me in 1982. The anniversary is approaching.

October 29, 1982 was when the Letter to the Editor was printed. The one I wrote. And Halloween 1982, all hell broke loose. That was then I realized who my real friends were. And it wasn't very many. As you see, once upon a time, I was THE popular girl. Me. And only ME.

Then it all changed. For the worse. Looking back, I suppose I've been brainwashed enough to believe that "everything happens for a reason" and "let go, move on" ....but it's never left me. The loneliness has always stuck. And the memories of it all.

And the first time learning about KARMA.

Here's a truth. I hate my job. I hate it. It's still super hard and it appears to be getting harder. I knew nothing about the medical field other than what I know from being diabetic and having sleep apnea and the occasional sore throat. But after working 10 months this Thursday there... I still am in the infancy stage of trying to fathom everything and digest and even try to remember, retain SOMETHING!!!!

I get NO support from anyone. None. And anytime I try to tell my mom about it, she throws back into my face how many times I had told her "how much I love my new job." But I'm not going to do a damn thing about it. Because... I'm already "settled in" here. In my teeny tiny one bedroom, no dishwasher apartment. And I also feel stupid for telling everyone about my "great" new gig and loving it to pieces.

Today, I am on my fourth day off. Every other week, I get four and a half days off. I don't return to work till tomorrow at 2pm. Then I'm on through Sunday. It'll be fine, IF I get good workers to be with. But lately, it all feels to fake. So forced. So awful.

I am to be HAPPY & CALM all the time, my supervisor told me. Or tells me constantly. I am to not express my thoughts or anything to anyone but keep my mouth shut. She told me the other day that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. She can always tell when I am upset or in a bad mood. Well she's no magician because I can tell when others are too.

Leave me be. Please.

running into people i loathe

Yesterday I had a great lunch date with one of my most talkative friends ever. Upon leaving the Mexican joint, someone from my childhood was waiting in line to be seated. I didn't see her at first because my glasses make images/people foggy at times so when I did see her and who it was, I was hesitant to even be polite and wave. But I succumbed to the uncomfortable pressure and walked over to her.

While making very brief small talk with her, I rejoined my friend to walk out of the restaurant with her....and as I turned to leave this person from my past, she asked, "How's Janie doing?" I was like WHO??? She repeated the same question and then I was jolted to reality and realized she was talking about my older sister. First, no one has called her Janie since she was little and she's now 48 and second.... this oddball entity in front of me has never discussed/talked/etc. about my witchy sister. Ever.

She took me off guard that's for sure and how dare she interrupt my wonderful lunch with my friend. That's what I first thought. It was so out of the blue and so random. But it was very random to see this person from my childhood too as she's quite anti social. And frankly once she opened her mouth to speak I regretted going over towards her to be polite.

Out poured from me was a lot of hate towards "Janie" to this oddball from my past. And for second I allowed that hatred to take over myself and make me feel all the horrible things she's done to me over the past 13 years -- my darling sissy not this oddball weirdo I once played girls softball with when we were young.

After hugging my friend and saying so long, I left feeling like the oddball loser was planted there to purposely plant more doubt in my head, the same that my darling sissy has done to me for years on end. And it wasn't a good experience for me.

counting down till july 2013

So I got my new driver license today...right before the lady took my photo of me smiling, she told me to get the hair out of my eyes (um???) so I did and that's when she captured me forever on hard plastic of me looking like I am sooo overly disgruntled and with a lazy eye to boot!!! Oh and me looking half way sideways. And did I mention very disgruntled?? I will be frozen in time till July 2013... when the actual renewal will take place.

thanks mom

I got the perfect note from my mom today: Remember there is a war going on, and if your only offense is sighing, it would be a great world. ♥

disgruntled

My day started out with me falling on my face in my dark living room around 6:30AM...walking out to my car and finding the horn possessed and going off with my lights flashing madly....and upon sitting down at my work station, a lovely nose bleed occurred all over my shirt!!! And I picked a pair of very uncomfortable shoes to boot.. making my very bruised left toes hurt even more from nearly falling in face first into the bathtub the evening before. And how is your Friday going???

what's your secret?

A facebook chum of mine just posted this thought provoking question about survival: "Everyone's got a secret to their survival. We destroy ourselves, in one way or another, only to be rebuilt again. So.. what's YOUR secret?"

I replied back by saying: "If I share with you and all of facebook, then it will no longer be my secret. I take a lot of time for myself and being by myself to "rebuild" myself when needed be. I take naps, I blog, I play a lot of online scrabble and watching mindless reality shows like Big Brother puts things in perspective for me too. And I always have HOPE. I guess you could say at the age of 44, I am a hopeless and faithful believer that some where "out there" something's got to better than right now, right here in my world. And I pray I will find it sooner than later ♥"

What about you? What's your secret to survival? 

i want to be my own boss

Today I made a wish that in a couple of years I will no longer be working for the MAN and just be working for ME and my art business. I'm tired of working with immature tattlers. I hope you're doing well and not getting called to the Principal's office because someone doesn't like your SIGHing. And you're doing it TOO LOUDLY!

Can you actually believe a grown ass woman walked into my supervisor's office and had the gall to tell her I << sigh >> too loudly for her??? Who the fuck does this shit??? I told my boss that I wasn't aware I knew how to "sigh." 

Oh and this same person doesn't "get my" sarcasm. But we all get hers. 

In the moment (as in now) I've been getting ready for the upcoming craft fair season which starts this weekend thru the week before Christmas. Two of my nice coworkers were very interested in asking me questions about how I prepare... the type of paintings I do, do for the fairs. It was nice to talk to these people about what I do with my art work when I'm not selling them on facebook or my art website. 

... and I joined the local Catholic church last Saturday. I hadn't been to church for a good 13 years. Sure I've gone to weddings and funerals but not on my own, on purpose, gotten in my car to drive to a Catholic church and waste an hour of my life that I know I'll never get back... to sit through a Sunday service. Again on purpose.

I saw the movie THE HELP this past weekend too. Not only did I cry throughout the entire moving flick but I just felt the need to belong to something that matters. I told my very religious mother and auntie yesterday. But I made them promise that they won't ask me questions about church, they cannot touch me in touch (aka hugging, holding my hand -- during the prayers like they've done in the past to me) and they cannot sit with me. 

Hey, they are MY new CATHOLIC rules and I'm stickin' to them. I said I will go every Saturday night -- when I'm it's not my Saturday to work.... it beats going on Sunday mornings at the awful time of 8:30AM. 

I know I'm crazy for going against all the things I loathe about the Catholic faith but I don't want to join anything other religion. I tried that and every time I was sitting in a pew or a hard chair... I always felt all the Saints (Catholics believe in) and Mother Mary (I still worship her) and all of the Angels were staring down on me disappointed. I know I sound twisted and confused and down right fucked up. But my auntie and mama agreed to my new rules. 

My other new kick is... I want to become an extreme couponer. They say some devote 20hours a week to finding coupons. Every other week I get four and a half days off... usually I spend it shopping or painting or napping... I can sit at my computer and find deals and take them to HyVee or Wally World. I just am tired of paying $70 bucks for 2 bags of hardly any groceries. And I'm a frugal shopper too. I always get home thinking, "why didn't I buy that bag of chocolate?" 

So that's what's on my mind today.

i am still here.

Sorry folks but I could NOT recall the email address that I had set up for this blog. I just got off from working a 12 hour shift .. two hours over what I should have been but we were swamped and they needed the help.

living life to the fullest

I watched the movie 13 GOING ON 30 last night for like the 200th time and realized how awful I was and treated people poorly only to make myself what I thought was "more popular" and really I was just trying to get ahead I suppose and it all backfired. I wish I knew what I know now and could go back and just be a simple care free kid loving life for all its worth and just be happy to be me.

44 winks

Thirty minutes left of me being a fresh 44 year old today. Yes, it's my birthday. And I had an amazing day with my mom in Mitchell. Lunch was at Ruby Tuesdays and we shopped and shopped and we were very hot. And our chats wondered how Laura Ingalls managed in prairie heat like what we had to endure pushing our Menard's cart to our car. I drank three 20 ounces of water in like 2 seconds. I was so thirsty. But I had a great birthday!

sad news

Sherwood Schwartz, who created two of the most popular sitcoms of the '60s and '70s, Gilligan's Island and The Brady Bunch, died Tuesday in Los Angeles of natural causes, surrounded by his family, a family member announced. He was 94.

Not only did Schwartz send the passengers and crew of the Minnow on a three-hour tour, one that lasted from 1964 to 1967 (and forever after in reruns), but he also wrote the Gilligan's theme song.

He did the same for the 1969-74 Brady Bunch, about a widow and a widower with a lot of kids – and a sagacious housekeeper.

i gave in

I am not proud of giving in but I did it. I called my brother last night and invited him to see my apartment and I agreed to do his 9,000 photos or so it seemed. It really just took a little over 90 minutes to do it all but he was pleased and all was well in the end.

Earlier in the day I motored to Yankton to get my teeth cleaned at the dentist. However, the last time I was there was April 30, 2009 when my insurance ended after I lost my job on April 1, 2009. I was really afraid that I had three teeth in question of possible new cavities but in the end, I got a clean check up. Nothing wrong. No weak spots just irritation from my sunflower seed abuse! Happy days :) I go back on January 16, 2012 for my next teeth cleaning with Jen.

Today is pretty boring. It's another day off for me which I thoroughly dig but I'm forced to go to a mandatory meeting from 4pm to 6pm and I volunteered to bring the food. Or my gracious momma is bringing it: hot pulled pork sandwiches and another coworker is bringing other snackies to go with it. I'm celebrating my six month anniversary and also my upcoming birthday on July 17th. And today is proving to be very lazy too. I woke up much much earlier and sat around playing Lexulous on facebook and watching mindless TV... I then took a mini nap after that and just showered.

Big Brother 13 is on tonight, so is Flipping Out... then I must do a few paintings that I promised some peeps.

great expectations

Earlier in the year when it was time for me to fill out vacation requests at work, I was anticipating how much fun July 4th would be. My siblings would be coming, I'd get to see my niece and possibly three nephews, we'd play Ladder Golf again and I'd take a lot of cool photos to post on facebook.

I also really wanted to go to Czech Days in Tabor in June... I cannot understand my own brain at times. I mean, I go to this event every June now for the past 13 summers. Each and every time I am there, I am hot, I'm bored, I am greatly annoyed with all of my relatives and my mom and I just walk around aimlessly looking at things or just sitting on one of the many make shift benches, people watching.

Today is July 11th. All those events that I was so looking forward to are now over. In the past and the end results to both? Disappointment. I suppose I could say they both failed my expectations. Once my mom said to me many many years ago was that I get so overly excited THINKING about what the possibilities are and once it happens, it always fails to come true.

She was and is so correct in that. With me.

Great expectations. Something I wasn't expecting to happen was, when I returned to work at Noon on July 8th, I wasn't expecting anyone to come up to me and tell me they were happy I was back or that they missed me. No one has ever expressed that sentiment to me at ANY job I've EVER been at. But it happened. People from all of the departments we have at the hospital, came directly to me, my face, and said to me, "Welcome Back," "It's good to see you're back," "We missed you!" ...and it wasn't because they needed me to do my job, they actually missed me. My persona. Me. They really missed me. I was so deeply touched by this nugget. And it was good to know I was needed and not just needed to fill in the blanks.

So last night, I went to my mom's house for dinner. Spaghetti. A personal favorite of mine that she cooks. Even though, mostly she cooks Czech recipes but spaghetti was served and I was delighted. However, my oldest brother is still hanging out there till Wednesday. When he arrived on July 2nd he initially asked me to help him upload a butt load of photos to his facebook account. I agreed and said "let's do it now." And I meant now. July 2nd, now. Otherwise on July 3rd, chaos would ensue, and it did when my sissy and other brother arrived. And it didn't let up till they left on the 8th. But still, I was home with all of them when I could have done the photos for my oldest bro. Did it happen? No.

I stayed to watch my ultimate addiction: Big Brother 13. My plan was to leave at 8PM to head back to my apartment 10 miles away. Eight minutes left of BB13, my bro yelped up to me stating he was ready to do the photos. Nope. Not going to happen dude. I'm heading back north.

Then he laid on the family guilt. It's infamous in our entire family tree. Everyone with my last name is guilty of it. Including myself. We learned it from the master. My controlling, verbally/emotionally abusive dead father (May you continue to rot in Hell).

I left for home, disgruntled. I even snapped at my adoring mother. I was furious. The guilt was already getting under my skin and it continued to grow. I called my mom and told her I could do it Monday evening (as in today) after I returned home from my dentist appointment or Tuesday after my mandatory work meeting at 6PM. She said she'd tell him. But I got no Email this AM telling me it's a go. I love my brother. A lot. But I am NOT going to bow down to him now, on MY TIME!

Those mother fuckers really messed with my emotions, my mental being all last week. Being ignored from my sissy and my 2nd oldest brother wasn't a good time. Never again will I allow myself to expect greatness from them. And no longer will I put them in the "spotlight" and think they can do no wrong. They can and have disappointed me for so many years, I lost count. But there again, I always expect great expectations.

Blogging has become my therapy. I refuse to seek counseling for something that will only continue to upset me and my happy existence. Their loss right???

7 days till I am 44

Soon I'll be 44. In seven days from today. This may sound kooky but I'm looking forward to being 44. While being 43 hasn't been all that bad, it didn't have a lot of good parts either. Okay, with the exception of being hired into my current gig... that happened while I was (and still am) 43. But I also had to put up with a lot of bull shit politics at my old part time gig too. And several things with that, I'm now realizing haven't quite healed properly.

I have done what my wonderful mother is famous for ... "Putting things on the back burner," and eventually forgetting about them or just keep denying them. There is a new moving coming out called "Horrible Bosses." I plan on seeing it and will be blogging about it afterwards, I've already decided this.I could get a prize for being a victim of having several horrible bosses too. And without exception, my last two bosses, and the two bosses before them and the one before all four... all equal to "horrible bosses." Thankfully, God HAS been watching out for me in the past six and a half months, my current boss has been a blessing. Although, I'm still waiting till she starts spewing green stuff from her mouth and I see her eyes roll back inside her head but for now... I'm good. As good as it gets, I imagine. Again, I do not know as all I've had was "HB's."

Back to my birthday. I know this sounds pathetic but all I wanna do is spend time with my "back burner" mom... and enjoy the day doing something. She helped me get a new *used* car two weeks ago and so my birthday gift is within the 2004 Ford Focus. And I'm okay with it.

making a come back

This was originally an Email I sent to my #1 fan of my blog... So I know I am cheating here but....

I know I haven't written a thing since mid May... got too much in my melon and I don't know how to release it I guess.... I do need to keep posting on here for therapeutic reasons.

Last week (July 2- half of the 8th) I took off from my job of six months to spend in my childhood home hamlet with my siblings and their families. I was treated like I had a hideous disease and both my 2nd oldest brother and sissy refused to SPEAK TO ME with respect. Ignoring someone is a form of abuse you know!  And my brother's wife wasn't any better... my oldest brother did include me and I had some fun with my nephews/niece.... but being ignored and then have the two treat my mom like dirt royally pissed me off.

I worked Friday-today...very swamped... and came to the conclusion .... to HIDE all posts from my bitch ass sister and sis in law.... I was going to delete them but I haven't yet.

Tomorrow and Tuesday are my days off but am going to the dentist tomorrow and Tues I have a nursing mtg I need to attend (mandatory) ... plus I get paid for going...

Perhaps I should have been picked for The Rapture.... I'm so butt tired it isn't even funny. I have a lot more to gripe/write about but folks, I'll be back. I need something or some place to get my groove on.

happy rapture!

If I am here tomorrow after the Rapture happens tonight at 6PM .... I promise to return and blog my heart out. Till then, I'm off to the cemeteries to plant some flowers and such for Memorial Day weekend (my weekend to work). Peace out!

how i spent my day.

I watched an elderly man turn green after having a heart attack. That was my Saturday afternoon. 
Then he had two more before being airlifted to the largest city in South Dakota. I am mentally drained.