July 11, 2011

great expectations

Earlier in the year when it was time for me to fill out vacation requests at work, I was anticipating how much fun July 4th would be. My siblings would be coming, I'd get to see my niece and possibly three nephews, we'd play Ladder Golf again and I'd take a lot of cool photos to post on facebook.

I also really wanted to go to Czech Days in Tabor in June... I cannot understand my own brain at times. I mean, I go to this event every June now for the past 13 summers. Each and every time I am there, I am hot, I'm bored, I am greatly annoyed with all of my relatives and my mom and I just walk around aimlessly looking at things or just sitting on one of the many make shift benches, people watching.

Today is July 11th. All those events that I was so looking forward to are now over. In the past and the end results to both? Disappointment. I suppose I could say they both failed my expectations. Once my mom said to me many many years ago was that I get so overly excited THINKING about what the possibilities are and once it happens, it always fails to come true.

She was and is so correct in that. With me.

Great expectations. Something I wasn't expecting to happen was, when I returned to work at Noon on July 8th, I wasn't expecting anyone to come up to me and tell me they were happy I was back or that they missed me. No one has ever expressed that sentiment to me at ANY job I've EVER been at. But it happened. People from all of the departments we have at the hospital, came directly to me, my face, and said to me, "Welcome Back," "It's good to see you're back," "We missed you!" ...and it wasn't because they needed me to do my job, they actually missed me. My persona. Me. They really missed me. I was so deeply touched by this nugget. And it was good to know I was needed and not just needed to fill in the blanks.

So last night, I went to my mom's house for dinner. Spaghetti. A personal favorite of mine that she cooks. Even though, mostly she cooks Czech recipes but spaghetti was served and I was delighted. However, my oldest brother is still hanging out there till Wednesday. When he arrived on July 2nd he initially asked me to help him upload a butt load of photos to his facebook account. I agreed and said "let's do it now." And I meant now. July 2nd, now. Otherwise on July 3rd, chaos would ensue, and it did when my sissy and other brother arrived. And it didn't let up till they left on the 8th. But still, I was home with all of them when I could have done the photos for my oldest bro. Did it happen? No.

I stayed to watch my ultimate addiction: Big Brother 13. My plan was to leave at 8PM to head back to my apartment 10 miles away. Eight minutes left of BB13, my bro yelped up to me stating he was ready to do the photos. Nope. Not going to happen dude. I'm heading back north.

Then he laid on the family guilt. It's infamous in our entire family tree. Everyone with my last name is guilty of it. Including myself. We learned it from the master. My controlling, verbally/emotionally abusive dead father (May you continue to rot in Hell).

I left for home, disgruntled. I even snapped at my adoring mother. I was furious. The guilt was already getting under my skin and it continued to grow. I called my mom and told her I could do it Monday evening (as in today) after I returned home from my dentist appointment or Tuesday after my mandatory work meeting at 6PM. She said she'd tell him. But I got no Email this AM telling me it's a go. I love my brother. A lot. But I am NOT going to bow down to him now, on MY TIME!

Those mother fuckers really messed with my emotions, my mental being all last week. Being ignored from my sissy and my 2nd oldest brother wasn't a good time. Never again will I allow myself to expect greatness from them. And no longer will I put them in the "spotlight" and think they can do no wrong. They can and have disappointed me for so many years, I lost count. But there again, I always expect great expectations.

Blogging has become my therapy. I refuse to seek counseling for something that will only continue to upset me and my happy existence. Their loss right???

1 Comment:

Cori said...

You are 100% right. That's total effing bullshit. You were kind enough to put yourself out there to help in the first place. DO NOT feel bad that you wanted to finish watching one of YOUR shows (I watch it too!) and then needing to head home. Why would their timeline be more important than yours? It's not. Hold your ground, if you don't, you'll end up feeling worse than you did when you stood up for yourself and put your foot down.