March 31, 2011

sweating to the oldies

Today proved to be one giant sweat pot of issues. By mid morning I was ready to run through a sprinkler and slide down a super ice cold silly slide. I was baking. I was screaming for mercy (inside my melon that is) and I just wanted to get out of my stifling hot hot hot winter long long pants and wanted to give myself a sweet little pixie hair cut. I  WAS THAT HOT.

Granted where I sit it's always a balmy 81 degrees (no fool'n) .... I had four fans directly on me and I still couldn't breathe. Then I got the dreadful thirst going on.... I could NOT get enough water to drink. I mean it. I was just lapping it up around the corner from my desk.

I did kind of mention to the girls that my diabetes was a bit out of whackadoodle and this was 99.99% the reason why I was acting this way.... And I stayed during lunch since it was our potluck and all. So I had nothing to put my hair up but an icky scratchy rubber band. Eeeeeeeewwww. But I forged ahead and used it. That did bring SOME relief but not enough....thankfully once I got to my teeny tiny apartment, where it's like an Eskimo's frozen tundra here (no thanks to my last months $92 electric bill or this months, $86 bill!!!!). Remember for the past four years, I lived in an apartment where I got FREE HEAT!!!!! That's the only thing I miss about that apartment!!!!

Tomorrow, I got the scrunchie already picked out and I don't care if it snows like they are threatening... I AM WEARING CAPRIs come hell or high water!!!!

March 30, 2011

I bought a new chips'n dip bowl

....for tomorrow's retirement potluck honoring a really great guy who is duh, retiring. And we have to wear all black. So I went one step further and painted my finger nails with a sparkling sixty-nine cent bottle of black nail polish, tis my touch indeed. Truthfully, this guy will be missed. He's been friends of my family for nearly 30 years. But life goes on and we will get along without him. But it's just been, for me, comforting to have him around. I should already be in bed but I'm stupidly watching Andy Cohen with Michael and Richard from Top Chef....

Lots of stuff has been going on and I kept thinking "this must go on my blog" but at the end of each day, I picked sleep over blogging. A shout out to my one and only follower: I'M SORRY!!! But considering we are also facebook buddies, you know where I've been.

I work now through Sunday too. And guess who with? The chick whose sister died last Saturday. She's had the entire week off and now I get to be with her on Saturday AND Sunday. I'm hoping the death of her crippled sister will have softened her some, maybe made her more easy going, less harsh and less mean. And must we walk on egg shells around her???? That'll be the $20,000,000 question come 7AM April 2nd.

I have a history of on again, off again depression. Ever since I was 15 years old. So the other day when I told my mom I wasn't feeling well and then later confessed to chalking it up to my depression, she got all weird on me and said "Talk to me." I thought I had been. About my job, moving, my finances, life in general.....

Remember she's the one who loves to put everything, I mean EVERYTHING on the back burner and then turn off the stove and walk away from the smelly pot. Then my mom really forgets about the pot and must think this depression thing is something new !?!?!?!

It's not like I just can say, "Okay mom, I'll stop being depressed." Apparently she doesn't get how depression works. Or anxiety for that matter! Jesus.

The other day I was at Wally World and for $3.88 my mom bought for me (big spender) ... a lovely red plastic bowl (with a nice handy dandy plastic lid) that inside the lovely red plastic red bowl had a smaller red bowl that perhaps would hold salsa or dip. So guess what I'm shleping along tomorrow? That's right... cheap ass salsa for $1.54 and a $2 bag of plain Jane tortilla chips. I may be cheap but I can have one hell of a good time at any potluck out there!

March 27, 2011

misfits unite

For 10 hours today, I painted. Two of the paintings were for a commissioned project that I did last year too. For a Catholic school. Then I picked out a lime green 16"x20" frame and wanted something clever and fun loving above my bed. I didn't think of this originally but saw an oil painting done by some other artist of another misft superhero and decided to draw my own with flaming orange curly hair... in my own favorite colors with the word: SHAZAM up at the top. I love it to death and obviously the photo taken by my LG3 phone doesn't do it justice but it's adorable and it's mine and I drew and painted it with vibrant watercolor paints... and everytime I've looked at it for the past two hours... it just makes me smile. And isn't that what's it is all about??? Smiling. Laughing. Loving life.

March 26, 2011

rocky horror me

I wasted an hour on tonight's "48 Hours Mystery" .... so if you live on the west coast... don't bother. Earlier this afternoon I caught a glimpse of the "Rocky Horror Picture Show." I do not think I've ever seen it from start to finish though. So now, it's on again....I already missed the beginning. Again.

Spring 1990, I was a nanny in Gloucester, Massachusetts. Another nanny goat and I headed over to Cambridge (MA) to a midnight showing of "Rocky Horror" .... we stood in a very long line with Rocky maniacs....all dressed up in their favorite character..... once inside the joint, it was craaazzzzy stuff. Back then I was still a very naive prairie girl while my nanny goat gal pal was on her up and up of being an uptown girl .... Wait. Did I just write that? Basically she knew more than me and knew what she was doing while I was still the girl who stood and stared and didn't divert my eyes as quickly as she did. I never did quite "get" what the movie was about. I mean people told me. I had seen bits and clips and whatnots about the flick but wasn't a huge fan or even a fan. I just found the movie's music fun. And I liked odd and I still do. Life's oddities, that is.

I think I've mentioned this nugget before, but I literally grew up in community theatre.... since I was in my mother's womb. I stopped acting in 2003. But earlier this afternoon, I found myself thinking... how cool it'd be in the community theatre in the village I no longer reside in... would do something as racy as "The Rocky Horror Picture Show."

Chances of that ever happening is something like "when pigs fly." But it would be awesome to see live on stage. With nothing edited from the original script. I would even audition for it. I do miss acting and I do also miss singing. Performing. Being on stage.

stick with what you know

I just wasted nearly three hours going through free blogger templates to try to find one that beats the one I ultimately picked. The little girl named Matilda pulling on her dead little lamb. Stick with what you know.

So a coworker of mine... the one who made my life a living hell last Sunday... the one who tattles on every one because she's such a whench .... went to work this morning with my favorite cohort in crime.... when I woke up now four hours ago, I got a text from my favorite telling me the whenches crippled sister apparently went to the ER just one block from me.... and died. She had some crippling disease and was wheel chaired bound. I forget what the official name to her disease was ...and she had been very very ill just not a month before.

I'm not too sure how I should feel since I do not like this particular coworker. Obviously yes IT IS sad, I'm not stupid or heartless. And everything I've been through with my own cousin's passing.... and there shouldn't be anything more I should want to say. But I have lots to say.

But I'll zip my lips and just add one more thing ... It is really really hard to offer sympathy to someone who is only looking out for herself and herself only.


I decided to get out of my weird funk. So I changed my dismal yet cute yet morbid template. Yesterday I made a conscious decision too at work and just said "fuck it" and go back to what is considered normal attitude about the misfits I work with too. Thankfully I got to work with one of my favorites and we made it fun.

I'm hungry. As in junk food, fast food hungry. However, I don't live any where NEAR anything like that. And I have no desire to motor 35 miles to stuff my face with that shit. I am going to be going to my mom's this afternoon.... to do what else? My laundry. I don't have any quarters to be honest otherwise I'd jam all my threads in the washer just outside my front door. I know I could go get some but who wants to do that when your mom is offering hers and promised to cook something awesome for supper????

I want to share something cool with you. All of the adults of my cousin Scott's immediate family went to a tattoo shop across from the cemetery he was buried in .....all got an Aspen leaf tatted on in his memory. Besides his own nuclear family, everyone else, including his parents, got one. Why Aspen??? That's all of their second homes in Aspen, Colorado since all the kids (my peers) were children. And besides Scott's family, they all live around Aspen today. I mean, what a great memorial to him. I about started to cry when I read that on facebook last night.  His folks are in their late 70s...and this was their first tattoo. And two of Scott's older sons got them too... the two younger ones (13 and 9) got temporary stencils of an Aspen leaf.

So here I am. New template, new attitude, new reason for being alive. Life is always changing for better or for worse. Ya gotta roll with the punches, death included. And move on....

March 24, 2011

my mind is on an emotional roller coaster

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh," he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”
I'm not feeling myself right now. Sadness is just enveloping me to a high degree of uncertainty.
While I know I have support from friends, family, my facebook pals, online bloggers and perhaps even the guy down the street.... I just feel so very very alone right now. And I cannot shake the image of my cousin lying in his coffin. I barely could cry at his funeral, yet tonight, I shedded a few tears when Casey Abram was saved on American Idol and I lost it when Michael proposed to Holly on The Office. I even asked if I could go home early today at work. By 2:57PM CST, I was curled up in my pajamas underneath a girnormous comforter wishing it all away. It's now 9:58PM and nothing has altered my mood. Goodnight.

March 22, 2011

memo missed.

I went to pay my respects today for my cousin who died at the ripe age of 48 years and 27 days. We drove in a thick fog, rain and later on it hailed golf balls. We arrived early and was surrounded with a ton of my father's first cousins -- all in their 70s and 80s. I was the only one representing my generation beside Scott's three sisters. Wait, I was the 3rd one amongst the sisters. When I went over to see him in the casket... I was mortified. There wasn't anything left of him. But a shell of a human being. I think I felt my heart stop. What happened to my fun loving boisterous sounding cousin Scott??? Before me was a mega skinny skeleton covered with hardly any skin and hardly any hair on his head. His skin was stretched so badly across his face, I didn't know what to do but stand there and close my eyes breathing deeply. I knew I had to move because people were lining up behind me. And for second, I couldn't find my mom in the sea of black and more black. Thankfully, she wore a rust colored outfit and I found her.

I never got the memo that you had to show up in solid black to attend. I was the only one with a lime green coat on. I was the only one it seemed in a bright colored blue shirt too. And I was the only one without a ton of heavy jewelry on too. My mom said "this is how they do it in the big cities." I was too much in a foggy state of mind to disagree with her at that moment in time. Then we were all shoved into the "family room" to stand amongst ourselves with the other family members of the other cousins not belonging to us. I felt like I was stuck in some sort of time warp. I had no feelings whatsoever and I just gawked at anyone crying.

Then the procession started. I was shoved directly by the coffin, standing behind Scott's nephew. The choir started singing this angelic music and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't feeling anything. Emotionally, I mean. I mean, here I was, standing mere inches from a guy I really dug. He was a cool cousin. Funny. Smart. Witty. And now here was his body, all skeleton like.... seriously I was creeped out.

My mom picked me up too early for me to fix my hair. She didn't give me enough time to blow dry it so I put it back in the front with a barrette....when I ran into the bathroom I saw how much of a goon I looked like. And felt. Since again, I wasn't given the memo on the black dress code. And what the city slickers do. I'm just rural prairie girl who likes to wear bright colors. I'm such a geek.

I never fully relaxed or felt like my real self until my mom and I fled the scene, after eating the funeral food of ham sandwiches and crappy salads. Then my emotions all came out. Everything. And God must've heard me. Cause right then and there we saw a ginormous lightening bolt, heard a loud crack of thunder and boy did the rain ever come down hard.

My thoughts were heard. Now safely back in my own teeny tiny hamlet of a home....I'm still cold. I'm still reeling from seeing him look so unlike him and as I looked up into the grey skyline tonight, I wondered how he is doing now, pain free...curiously wondering if he knew I was there. To say.... goodbye.

March 21, 2011

just got kicked to the curb

I am no longer an ebay whore.
They have suspended my sluttiness of spending. FML.
Thank GOD I've discovered Etsy!

pluck me silly

I drove 35 miles to get my eye brows waxed and paid a whopping $8.35 for the task. I gave a $2 tip too. The girl doing it though was annoying as hell. I wish they'd just focus on pouring the hot wax and ripping off the strip instead of asking me stupid ass questions like "What brings you to Yankton today?" ....Duh. To get my eye brows waxed dumbass. Jesus. Obviously I was in no mood to discuss the weather, why I motored to the big city or why I felt the need to wax off my school marm eye brows to something more sassier.

Got back to the hamlet I now call home and called my mom. While I didn't go into it on here, I had a shit ass day yesterday. At work. She drove me to the furniture store in another teeny tiny village so I could pay $111.00 on my couch/ottoman bill. I still owe $410. Ouch. What the hell was I thinking when I went there with my mom two months ago looking for a pillow top bed???? All I recall saying was...."Do you have any couchs on sale??"  I tend to open my mouth before thinking sometimes. Or only as of late. But it was good to vent out loud to my mom (about my job and not the couch) and not get judged back. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my new couch and ginormous ottoman but... $410 is a lot to pay right now since I never got back any income tax return!!!

Early tomorrow AM, I'm heading to the largest city in the Dakota Territory to say farewell to my super kind cousin at his funeral...I can tell you this much, it's going to be sad. I know his wife and his parents very well. As kids, my family and his family would do vacations together. He has three younger sisters....I first said he had six sons but he only has four. Prior to him getting colon cancer, he was extremely active and lead a vibrant life. Then he got terminally ill....and tomorrow I shall say 'so long.

March 20, 2011

365 Day Project: My Version

My pillow top bed surrounded bits n' pieces of my childhood, my art, likes and antiques.

crunchy plus annoying

Am home for lunch yet again. Bored to death at work. We have a very low census today. And four of us are on duty. When we're like this, we all get the munchies. I opted to eat one of my favorite snacks: Corn Nuts - ranch flavored. The girls tell me they reek something awful but I cannot smell a thing when eating them. A local moron who comes up every single Sunday carrying fresh homemade donuts from our local bakery said he couldn't smell them either. He has one of the most annoying laughs too. But the girls just love him. Gack. I hate annoying people like that. But they tell me he used to be a patient of theirs and was there for over 6 weeks.... what I haven't told them is .... this moron is one of my relatives. I don't even think this freak knows this nugget and I'm not going to be the one to fill him in on this awful piece of news either. As much as I resent my controlling father for not allowing us kids to get to know our kin in the hamlet I now reside in, I guess I can count myself lucky for not having to grow up knowing this dude is my cousin until I was much much older and more wiser.

March 19, 2011

too pooped to write

My mom met me outside my gig tonight ....we were beyond slow for the first 9 1/2 hours of my shift then the last hour we got two ERs and a slew of families from both emergencies come crawling in AND a staff shift change. I was in the mix of it all doing all the registrations and ordering the Xrays/Labs, and making sure the families were well taken care of. It was nice to walk out of the madness to see my mom. It was even nicer and sweeter upon returning home with my mom to see my cutie patootie little six month old friend peering out the door window and my coworker holding her.... and then all three favorites of mine, entered my cozy little apartment to visit. And my little friend allowed me to feed her one Cheerio after another to her... oooh she's so so sweet. My mom brought me my all time favorite Czech soup for supper... and I heated up some dumplings to put in the soup.... perfecto. Now I'm beat. It's not even 9PM and I'm ready to close my eyes for the night and pray for a solid sleep. I have no photo op to post and nothing worth while here to write.

Happy Birthday to my #1 Follower!
Am so glad we're friends. Sweet dreams.

prayers needed

Last night at 8:15PM CST, my cousin Scott died. He was just 47. He's leaving behind a wonderfully kind hearted wife and six sons; three sisters and their spouses and several nieces, nephews and his loving parents. And a host of approximately 200 cousins, me included. He was cursed with cancer since 2008. His funeral is Tuesday in the largest city in the Dakota Territory. And he was one of the nicest good-natured type of humans I've ever encountered. He was also the very first person to hook me up with a doobie back in 1984 too. He will be greatly missed.

March 18, 2011

home sweet home

photo-op project

I have a childhood theatre friend on facebook who sadly became unemployed in Sacramento, Calif right before Christmas. He apparently has been very bored trying so far, unsuccessfully, finding a new gig but has taken on a very creative project, simply called "The 365-Day Project." He has committed to taking a new photograph every single day until January 1, 2012 and the posting it on facebook.

At first, I found this project of his to be quite annoying. He was only posting idiotic photos of his exceedingly boring dog. In between the dog and the dog chew toys, he has managed to impress me a wee bit and has included some really cool artsy fartsy type of photos too.

So I'm going to steal this project of his and while I have no dog, nor do I live in sunny California --- I do live in God's Country.... or in better and more truthful words, I literally live in "Tornado Alley." Yup, right in the heart beat of twister country. You can actually follow down with your index finger from where I am located all the way through Oklahoma... and you would have just traced through Tornado Alley. And it's here, where I proudly call home.

Say cheese!

missing matilda

Crazy day today. Woke up exactly at 4:47AM and had to pee. Badly. Then decided it was pointless to hit the snooze button so I cranked the heat up in my bathroom and got ready to shower. That completed, I got dressed and hung out watching mindless crap on TV and checking my facebook and emails. Headed to work to be greeted by .... <whew> we've been waiting for you..... a patient came in mega early for her AM procedure.

Between 5:45AM and when I left for lunch at 11:48AM ... it was a non stop blur of people, paperwork, transcribing, laughing, greetings, phone calls, more laughter, running up and down the ramp, delivering messages to other departments (on foot), up and down the elevator, up and down the flight of hard cement stairs, more people, whirls of sounds, bells and whistles and me ordering a sub sandwich at the local "deli" (aka gas station) in town... remember I know live in a hamlet that has no fast food places other than this "short order cook" place inside of a gas station. Not a truck stuck, a gas station.

After lunch....not so much busy but I got to leave by 5PM CST. To that, I got to see my mega adorable six month old little friend, got to hold her to boot while her mommy/also my cohort at my gig ....who also happens to live above out her super cool jogger stroller. Then my mom and I headed over to my high school classmates bar & grill for "The Mimi" chicken breast club and fries... she for the "all you can eat" fish buffet. She plays the Catholic game of LENT while I choose to ignore the game or rules that go along with being a Recovering Catholic. And I sinned once more and ate chicken. Bawk bawk!

And that was my day.

It's getting down to crunch time now of completing my two 16"x20" commissioned paintings of the two 2nd grade classes at ironically, a Catholic grade school in the village I lived in for nearly 12 years. Plus two 16"x12" paintings I have to donate my time and talent for their April 16th Silent Auction at their fancy schmancy Gala event. I did this last year and my art went over smashingly well.

My nephew is 14 today. I haven't seen him in 2 years. I will get to see him over the 4th of July when they motor over here from Seattle, Washington. He's an interesting kid. I like him a lot. Just wish I could see him more often than when his parents or ah my sister decides when they visit and when they don't. Sure I could go there, if I had any money, but I don't. And what little I do, goes for buying new Crocs or buying Funyuns or other mindless goop for my own pleasure and sanity.

I work the next two days -- both 11.5 hour shifts with two icky people. Tomorrow will simply suck in terms of I know I won't laugh much or even smile much unless we get new patients in. But I have a couple of newspaper articles to write and some stuff to create for my supervisor. I need excitement up there otherwise it'll be a long ass haul.

Then I ended my day by harassing my upstairs neighbor, Mark while he was grilling ground deer meat as burgers through my window while he was in the BBQ section of the complex. I must post a photo so all of you will NOT visualize us having a nice spread of three grills out our door ... it's like the redneck version of three crapass looking beat up old grills on ill fitted bricks on our crappy grass blended with a lot of mud, etc etc.....

Sleepiness is hitting me hard right now. I think I'll change into my jammies and watch a bit more of "Say Yes to the Dress" and hit the lights in about 20 minutes.... praying that Mister Sandman comes a callin' around 9:30PMish. But before I sign off for good.... while eating with my mom grandmother Matilda popped into my thoughts while staring at my mom.

While telling my mom how annoying I am getting with the hourly siren whistles going off at 7AM, 12Noon, 6PM and then 9PM ....every single day. It's like hearing the tornado whistle that warns us Prairie People a pending twister is within arm's reach.... And remember this is not only my grandmother's birth place, but also my mom's and her older brother's too. So missing Matilda truly sprang alive while chomping on my non-Lenten meal. My mom mentioned something about the 9PM siren and how all of the town kids knew to go inside and get ready for Mister Sandman....

She then proceeded to tell me something very similar from my childhood when I'd stay at my Grandmother Matilda's home. It was like a flood of fresh memories. I could hear my grandmother talking in Czech. I could see her very worn out tired hands. I could feel the roughness on her calloused hands too. I could smell the fresh baked sugar cookies on the counter. And the teeny tiny chocolate chips she'd use as eyes or buttons on her delicious sugar cookies too. The quaintness of their cute little house that was painted white.

I really wonder, can they see me now? Are they proud of what I've become? Are they happy I've moved to their hometown? Can they tell when I'm feeling down or sad or overwhelmed? In my own world, I do like to think, they can see me. And they are proud of me. And then DO know when I wish they were still near. Deep deep down, I can still feel my grandmother's rough hands wrapped around me, like a good Czech does. Oh how I miss you so.

March 17, 2011

am i losing my mind???

All day I was thinking... I need to post something for my one and only follower was like a mantra going over and over and over in my melon. I had a super busy day at work. Two ERs came in, both nasty lacerations. One, an very elderly man and the other, an inmate. Both completely different stories but like a bad car wreck, I got to stay and stare. On the clock. On purpose. And doing actual work while I got to stare and gawk like I was at some circus freak show in the Sticks. The elderly man I felt really really bad for. The inmate, I asked the guards, what the other guy ended up looking like. They laughed and said "he hasn't woken up yet." Ouch.

So here I am. Leprechaun Porn is on my mind. And not in an X-Rated way. Seriously!!!

My cohorts and I all wore green garb today. Two of them wore a lot of green stuff. So much, that they did resemble freakish green lovin' clowns. One went over the top and had on a green crazy wig, green antenna like "Cindy Who" dealy-bobs on and she rolled up her pants to show off hideous leprechaun socks and it was soooooooo funny. The only amusing thing I was sportin' was celery green finger nail polish.

But as I was walking home from work, I was trying to think of the many many thoughts filtering in and out of my brain.... Normally I never have to think of something to write about, I normally just sit and out comes what's inside.... but now that I have the big audience of one :) .... I wanted to make an impression I guess!

Recently, I have discovered that around 11PM or closer to midnight, if I turn my channel to the fuzzed out Cinemax channel, up will come lesbian porn. You can make out all the lovely details of the finely sculpted bodies created by some rich ole plastic surgeon... all the girls' boobies are sticking straight out....and even their lips (on their faces) are all plumped up and fugly like the rest of their fake bodies...

Here's what I don't quite understand about women like this, who on purpose decide to not get a real job and decide to flaunt their nekkid bodies on some porn channel... is WHY???? Why are you doing this????

And then I ponder, "Why am I watching this???" And no, I don't get "turned on" from these chicks smacking each other's other lips and vice versa.... while I am not high on my own horse I simply do not get this. Period. Then there's the lone dude, nekkid from the waist UP and wearing black sweat pants. He's on one chick while the other chick is on another ....chick. Fucking strange. But then there's the adults who love to wear big ole ugly diapers. On purpose.

They even have a website for these ah, people. Here's one of them (enjoy)

I'm not a prude. Nope I'm not but ugh.... I'm slowly losing my mind. And apparently need to get a hobby.

Oh... yeah I have one. And it doesn't involve being a lesbian (not that there is anything WRONG with being one), being fake (or plastic) or being a grown-ass female sporting baby powder, a pacifier, Winnie the Pooh sheets and yah, ah wearing a ginormous diaper for sexual pleasure/ kinky fetishes/ or for shits n'giggles... whatever their fucking reason is to don a big ole diaper and act like an infant, just ain't my cup of tea.

Long live the Leprechaun!!!!!

March 15, 2011

change of plans

I got an unexpected call earlier from my work this afternoon. I am to report to work at 8AM tomorrow and pick up my cohort who shares my title with me and motor to the village I moved from for a three hour meeting. Here's the thing though... my cohort called me and told me she's low on gas and then it was dead silent. So I guess that left me to say, I will drive. Talk about awkward. And we don't really get along. She's 48 and uptight and I'm 43 and goofy. Or very positive and I like to talk and talk and talk and talk. And she doesn't. Although the drive is just 30 minutes, it'll be a looooooooooong 30 minutes of me driving and forcing the small talk. So to my #1 Follower... I'll be reporting after I watch Survivor and before I watch Top Chef. And remember I'm in CST and not your time zone :) ..... Cheers!

scissor happy

I woke up in a shockingly good mood. From 9:30AM to 1PM, I was an eager beaver unpacking my bedroom -- only two months after moving in mind you. I was hanging up stuff like crazy. And I took out three loads of trash. I showered, got dressed and even ate a nice lunch of veggie chili my mom made for me yesterday. I have been hoarding my old computer speakers for nearly a year and I decided to put them in a pile of giveaways to our local Bargain Shoppe in town. And then I had to endure a pile of wires that were nearly impossible to get untangled.

The solution? Scissors!!!! With my history of bad cuttings in the past I should have taken the time to untangle the web of wires but I was over eager to get them out in and the trash. So I snipped twice. To my horror, I also cut the wire to my cable modem's adapter. FML. Quick thinking, I drove to Ace across town. They had something that would work but it would cost me $13.99 and it would have the Ace logo on it. Remember, I am renting the modem, it's not mine. And when I'd have to turn it in, they'd know the truth or something close to it. I didn't want to fork over the $14 bucks.... so I sheepishly slumped into the place where I got my cable modem to begin with.

No problem, said the lady as she handed me a new adapter. She thought it may cost $10 or so but she would check with the owner and it may be free. Wowsers. I could live with that. I was fearing it'd be over $25 or more....  The first time I came into this joint to sign up for cable and the Internet, this lady was quite bitchy so my encounter with her today was quite nice.

Back to finalizing my bedroom.... then on to dividing up my art supplies since I do not have a second bedroom!!! Although I shouldn't complain to the $275 rent for my cozy one bedroom hut... I really really wish I had a two bedroom for this very case: where to put my art work, where to set up my art space....etc.... So my kitchen has been given an overhaul....and my one linen closet is now my art supply closet....

Did I mention today is my day off.... I return to work tomorrow 2pm... I work through Sunday then two more days off. Rock on.

March 14, 2011

meet me at the age of 25

September 21, 1992

Things aren't as always as they seem. Correct?! Correct.
I am 25 years old and I think I have everything under some control -- but in the back of my mind I know something just is not right.

Manipulation is such a BIG word. I am over 1,000 [sic] from where I was born and raised yet I still feel the negative vibes from my growing up years and especially from the house in which I lived from age 12 to 18 in.

Am unsure what the feeling I'm gathering is right now. I don't think it's anger. Because I am not really angry anymore at my parents, my past or my growing up times.

It's time for me to move on to forget "back then" -- remember the good times -- But that's where I get all foggy. I hardly recall any good times in the house on Blank Blvd*. I was scared almost all the time. I had horrible nightmares and I got punished there a lot too.

My favorite times there were when I got to sit in front of the fireplace and nap! I also liked to sit in the red sitting room and watch the rain by myself.

Whenever my father was around, I stayed mostly in my room: playing, reading or sleeping. I lived in a secluded area -- where there were lots of trees and fields nearby. Usually on Sundays, I would go in the corn field behind our house and pick the corn that was already dead and walk along the trees. I'd leave bits of dried corn for the birds, whether or not they ate it or not, it always made me feel good.

I didn't have many friends when we moved to the house on the hill. Everyone thought of me as a snot. I didn't think I was!

Some Sunday nights, Sue* and Bob* and Tara* would come over and we'd play games on our Atari or rent movies, making prank phone calls. Those nights were always fun for me.

It was sorta weird actually because in school, Tara and I didn't get along very well and on the weekends when all the other kids were not near, we got along great. I did like Tara, but she pulled a lot of mean stunts that made me dislike her in the end.

Sometimes when I had to go to Kyndall* for my mom to get something at the store, I'd invite Tara to go with me and we always went to the Dairy Queen before we went back to our hometown. We always had a lot of fun since I really enjoyed doing errands for my mother... then things changed dramatically when I went to college. But I will always remember going to the DQ with Tara....

When I went off to college I quit doing errands for my mother. And also, quit doing things with Tara.

* Names have been changed to protect my identity.

lost and found

For starters, my colon is now full of food thanks to being released early
afternoon after a successful roter rooter was performed on me. And thankfully, nothing was found. Clean and fancy free.

Then my mom brought me home (the big one block away) and helped me unpack my left over boxes from when I first moved in, now, almost two months ago. We got pretty far then she had to leave for a meeting. And I decided to stuff my face with popcorn and then celery with extra crunchy peanut butter on top. So much for the soft diet I was told to have by the nurses earlier.

Anywho... while I was weeding through several boxes I found a diary from 1990. I had only written on three of the pages but apparently I waited till I was the ripe age of 25 to say anything of substance. I plan to type it up and post on here in a bit....I'm a bit curious as to what I had to chime in about so many years ago. Til then, I'm quite tired. Getting a scope shoved up my butt made me pretty anxious this morning and it wiped me rock it out till I post from my 25-year-old self.


So I've joined another type of outlet that will allow me to be a product tester for free. If you click on the box next to my text, supposedly it'll take you to their site. Or if that doesn't work, go to ...It's a pretty nifty site so go check it out.

my last liquid drunk

Well I hope I don't have to escape in the middle of the night now and worry when will I be able to drink another drop of anything.... Due to the rules of having a colonoscopy, I am not allowed any liquid including Mother Nature's tear drops (aka water for you slow pokes) until AFTER my roter rooter cleans out my plumbing at 9:30AM CST tomorrow. Or I suppose later on today since it IS actually March 14th now. I should have went to bed when I first felt tired at 9PM but I felt I needed to get in as much liquids as I could swallow before bedtime rolled around. Plus my body and mental status are still fucked up from the Daylight Savings Time. Why does that even exist??? Think of me at your time zone, whatever zone you live in tomorrow morning. Many many many thanks! Peace out.

March 13, 2011

here i go

I have already drank 32 ounces of my Miralax & Gatorade combo. Seriously, it was tasty. It was just like drinking plain Gatorade. Plus I made a cup of hot Dream Easy tea to sip along with the mix. I've already read 3/4 of my Reader's Digest that I have sitting next to the commode. I have a book on standby and lots of room sprays. I have about 36 games of facebook's lexulous (aka scrabble) going on too. And I'm watching a marathon of "Say Yes to the Dress." My day is pretty much planned.

What's on your agenda today?

March 12, 2011

game on!

No solid food after midnight tonight.
I get to start drinking the Gatorade and Miralax noon tomorrow.

March 11, 2011

things to know about me

  1. I am the youngest of four siblings. The other three are a lot older than me. Growing up it felt like at times I was an only kid. I didn't like this feeling.
  2. When my mom finally leaves this planet, I really do not know how I will manage. I'm serious.
  3. I became a professional artist one week before my 40th birthday.
  4. I will be 44 on July 17th. People are always amazed when I tell them how old I am. Most think I'm in my late 20s or early 30s.
  5. I started blogging in late 2003.
  6. I do not have a best friend. I thought I did but realized very recently that she never was mine although I held her high up on a pedestal for decades. In the end, as well as in the beginning, she has always ignored me. And only wanted to be my friend when no one else was available.
  7. My favorite kind of music is disco. I like the beat and the clothes from the 1970s.
  8. I went to three colleges before finally graduating in 2001 with a Bachelor of Arts in Selected Studies with an emphasis in Criminal Justice. Sixteen years prior to graduating I went to college for graphic arts. I really wanted to be a computer animator in the beginning.
  9. My father died May 18, 1998 and my life turned around for the better. My mom and I have never been closer.
  10. Aquamarine or Teal blue is my all time favorite color. Pink is a close second. 
  11. I would really like to hear/see Rod Stewart in concert. When I saw the B-52s in concert, I got my hair done in a BeeHive and wore funky clothes like the girls in the band.
  12. I was a nanny for a Canadian Hippie couple in Gloucester, Massachusetts in 1989-1990. It was the greatest time of my entire existance on earth. I took care of a 7-year-old girl and a 3-year-old boy who I favored and loved dearly. I have never heard from them again. 
  13. I am an organ donor.
  14. Eye liner and mascara are the only types of makeup I wear to work.
  15. I sleep with an electric blanket.
  16. Since I was 19 (on and off) I've been coloring my hair.
  17. Once upon a time, I lived in College Station, Texas.
  18. While I am not religious, I love God and I worship Mary. 
  19. I love wearing big fluffy socks.
  20. Watermelon and Green Apple Jolly Ranchers are my all time favorite hard candy.
  21. I golfed all through high school and was on the varsity team. I was actually quite good back in the day. 
  22. I love gourmet hand tossed pizza.
  23. My only piercings are three holes in each ear lobe.
  24. I have toilet water blue eyes.
  25. I love Bath & Body Works lotions....currently Linen is my favorite scent. Twilight Woods is a close second in scent.
  26. I can eat an entire box of Peanut Butter Patties courtesy of the Girl Scouts.
  27. I am not a lesbian. And seeing girls kiss girls does absolutely nothing for me. 
  28. Happy by Clinque is my all time favorite perfume.
  29. Eternity for Men and Obsession are my favorite men scents.
  30. I absolutely LOVE Reality TV.
  31. I sold my queen-sized gorgeous sleigh bed for $80 in order for my mom to buy me a full-sized pillow top bed in my new apartment.
  32. I have been so fascinated with the Royal Family ever since Lady Di married Prince Charles.
  33. I did not vote for Obama. And I'm a democrat.
  34. I have always wanted to get a Saint Bernard and name him George. I will now settle for a Chihauhau and name him George.
  35. On Santa's wish list for the past several years I've always had down an electric toothbrush... when I finally got one this year, I used it just a few times and now, it's in the drawer. I feel bad because my mom thinks I still am using it. 
  36. I used to always wear bright red lipstick. Now I barely use a moisturizer on my lips.
  37. I have a lot of weird looking freckles and spots on my legs and arms ...I am scared I may have some sort of skin cancer. I'm too scared to get them checked out.
  38. I love love LOVE Culligan water with a ton of ice cubes in a big plastic cup.
  39. Laffy Taffy -- preferably cherry or grape are even with a big box of Milk Duds as my favorite candy.
  40. True crime is my favorite genre to read.
  41. I would love to meet crime writer Ann Rule some day.
  42. I have issues when people blow their nose around me and then they don't wash their hands afterwards.
  43. Same thing with people going to the bathroom and not washing their hands.
  44. Within the next three months I will have had a colonoscopy and a mammogram.
  45. I have been to every US state with the exception of Alaska and Hawaii. Those two places are on my Bucket List.
  46. So is white water rafting. And visiting the Tower of London.
  47. I wish Knots Landing was still on TV. In the mid 1980s that was my favorite show to watch. Before that, I dug The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.
  48. I now only wear Crocs to work, to play in, as slippers, to do laundry, to church...everywhere.
  49. I need to buy new underpants.
  50. I wear bifocals.
  51. I do not own an Ipod. Or a Wii. I still use my boom box from the mid 1990s. And it works great.
  52. I do not know how to properly balance my checkbook.
  53. I have cheated on many tests in my life.
  54. I have never been to jail. Or prison. Or reform school.
  55. I hate devilled eggs.
  56. I like black licorice.
  57. I have been in a haunted house before. 
  58. I hope to own a nice SUV some day. 
  59. I love wearring earrings. 
  60. I rarely go a day without wearing nail polish and I always have polish on my toe nails.
  61. Besides my birthday, Halloween is my favorite holiday. Then it's Groundhog Day. Seriously.
  62. Back in the late 1980s, I used to collect Swatch watches. At one time, I had over 20 of them.
  63. I have never given birth but deep down, I know I would have made an amazing mother. 
  64. I always say I do not have any regrets in my life, but I really do have them. Quite a few in fact.
  65. I used to be an award winning newspaper reporter. I really loved seeing my name in the bylines. Here's a regret: I never should have walked out and quit my job over the phone. 
  66. I love drawing and painting my whimsical art. I love the feeling when someone tells me how happy they were when someone else bought them a piece of my work. 
  67. Naps are my friend.
  68. But I'm terrified of the dark.
  69. And I still believe in the boogeyman.
  70. Popcorn is one of my all time favorite comfort foods. With butter and some sort of seasoning on top.
  71. I am happy to say I am not a hoarder.
  72. I am severly allergic to cats. My tongue swells, my eyes get puffy and I itch all over the place.
  73. Daily I take the generic form of Benadryl. I'm allergic to a lot of junk other than felines.
  74. I have never witnessed a murder. I hope I never have to.
  75. I am an awful bowler.
  76. And I cannot throw a softball to save my life. Even though as a child growing up in a small hamlet, I was on the summer girls softball team for many many years. They put me in right balls rarely ever were hit my way. (Much to my relief)
  77. As a kid, I swam on the local swim team too. That sport I was actually great at (back stroke and breast stroke)
  78. Every summer, I make a ton of homemade salsa and pico de galla. 
  79. I am a fan of hand sanitizer.
  80. I also am a fan of Meatloaf. The singer, not the food.
  81. My art company became trademarked on May 13, 2008 at the United States Patents & Trademarks in Washington DC.
  82. I have had long term pen pals since I was in the 2nd grade.
  83. While I don't like to touch them, I have a fondness for frogs.
  84. I used to have a fish bowl full of guppies. 
  85. When I was 5 years old, my family had our very first pet, a teeny tiny turtle we named Sammy.
  86. The pet I miss the most is our very beloved Fred. He was an Irish Setter. He is buried in my mom's back yard. He died when I was living in College Station, Texas.
  87. I have a lot of fears but I never let anyone know them. 
  88. I am addicted to dill pickles. 
  89. I am not fond of rhubarb.
  90. I used to work in the photo department at Wal Mart in 2005. I lasted four months.
  91. I have been back stabbed far too many times and now I fear female friendships.
  92. Crocs are about the only brand of shoe I wear.
  93. I have sleep apnea and I use a CPAP and wear a mask at night to sleep. I never sleep without it. I'm scared if I do, I will die in my sleep without the oxygen I desperately need.
  94. I now live in a town where I am related to about half of the 1200 population. But I've never socialized with any of them. Growing up as a child, my father wouldn't allow it. And now at the age of 43, I keep running into them and I barely can muster a hello to them. And I feel horrible about it.
  95. I love taking hot bubble baths.
  96. Back in 1994, I had to get braces. I wore them only for six months though.
  97. I wear a splash of perfume to bed. My theory of that is, if I die in my sleep, I do not want to stink! :P
  98. I am 100% Czech.
  99. I do not like to pet animals. 
  100. Snakes used to terrify me. Now only mice do.
  101. On my 11th birthday, I saw the movie GREASE in the movie theatre with my two friends, Susan and Stacy.
  102. I celebrate my birthday every year with some sort of party.
  103. I prefer my mom's Czech cooking over any other type of food on this planet.
  104. However, eating Chinese food is a close second for me.
  105. My favorite flower is a white daisy. Wildflowers come in second place for me.
  106. I have a threater-themed bathroom. 
  107. My kitchen is full of roosters.
  108. Mexican food is my third favorite food.
  109. I love going to antique shops.
  110. I used to own an 8 foot blow up Gumby.
  111. I do not like to wear lip gloss. I feel cheap.
  112. I adore Winnie the Pooh and Eyeore.
  113. I own a knock off Pillow Pet from China in the shape of a panda. I only paid $5.25 for it. I bought an identical one for my great-niece for Christmas.
  114. Since late 2004, I've been on facebook. When I first joined, I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Now I'm addicted to it.
  115. Zombies rule the world, or so I think they do.
  116. People in general annoy me.
  117. I love ice chips.
  118. I have never considered myself a lady.
  119. I am grateful I was raised with high morals and amazing family values.
  120. I am a recovering Catholic.
  121. I hate eating fish. The taste makes me gag.
  122. I also hate cleaning house and doing mundane chores.
  123. My favorite snack is Dakota Style (made in South Dakota) sunflower seeds.
  124. A close second, is chips and dip.
  125. I adore children. I love how innocent they are and I love teaching them to draw.
  126. Libraries are my friend.
  127. I have been called a hermit before. And I embrace the term.
  128. In 1994, I had my gall bladder removed.
  129. My confirmation name is Jane.
  130. I hate saying the rosary but I love holding them at funerals. 
  131. I love shopping on ebay and Hobby Lobby for rare finds.
  132. Ben Stiller is one of my favorite actors. 
  133. So is Morgan Freeman, Greg Kinnear and Tommy Lee Jones.
  134. I never used to like Cameron Diaz but she's grown on me and now I adore her. 
  135. Granny Smith apples are the preferred apples for me. I love eating them with extra crunchy peanut butter.
  136. I lost my first grandma when I was 7 and by the time I was in the 5th grade, the other three died as well. I am so envious of all my friends my age who still have their grandparents. 
  137. I have a brother who is a Colonnel in the Army and I know nothing about him or his life. 
  138. I pay to have my eye brows waxed. Plucking them isn't a choice for me. The pain is too severe for me.
  139. I once dated a divorced dad with two kids who weren't his biological kids and had a psychotic ex wife. I will never ever date someone like that again. Ever. 
  140. I once lived in Lincoln and Wayne, Nebraska.
  141. And Wichita, Kansas. Yes, on purpose.
  142. As well as Bryan, Texas.
  143. Beverly and Salem, Massachusetts were also once places I called home.
  144. I can type over 75wpm.
  145. I only wear Cacique brand bras.
  146. I wish they never would have invented Day Light Savings Time. 
  147. My favorite number is 7.
  148. I am fascinated by trees of all kinds.
  149. I tend to walk away from all negative people. I just don't have time for them. 
  150. Milk chocolate is my favorite kind of chocolate flavoring.
  151. I have a history of being Bulimic since 1990. I am not proud of this but it has never gone away.
  152. I don't like talking about my deep deep feelings to anyone including a therapist.
  153. I don't trust people who don't look you in the eye when talking.
  154. I am the same age as Sesame Street.
  155. Everything about the Titanic fascinates me.
  156. I love monkeys.
  157. Clementines are a fun fruit to eat.
  158. In 2005, I filed chapter 7 bankruptcy. 
  159. I am not a fan of beer. 
  160. I try to be as truthful as possible no matter what the situation is.
  161. And I find humor in all things, including funerals and death and destruction. And mayhem.
  162. I address all of my mother's friends as Mrs.or Mr. So and So. I was taught incredible manners as a child.
  163. I am still friends with everyone I went to Kindergarten with (circa 1971-72).
  164. As much as I love living in all four seasons, I really really really hate cold icy winters like we get every single year.

    March 10, 2011

    gorgeous sounds

    Les Misèrables!” I found it on PBS. It was the 25th Anniversary edition and was it ever great! Did you get to see it? There are things that echo in your mind all through the years. This was simply amazing to see and hear on TV.

    I have grown up since birth in theatre/musical theatre. My dad was known for his directing these type of shows on "live" stages. My last show I was in I played a Pick-a-Little Lady in MUSIC MAN in 2003. Before that, it had been 20 years since setting foot on a stage to act. I won numerous acting awards in high school and even was granted a monetary theatre scholarship in college. I had heard about Les Mis over the years but never saw the show till I accidently stumbled upon it last week Saturday on PBS of all places. It literally blew me away. It was so amazing and I literally had goose bumps on my arms. Wow. No other words can describe that feeling I got from seeing this masterpiece performed.

    March 8, 2011

    ah, i guess i am ready...

    Or not. March 14th is the actual procedure. But per my instructions, I have to start three days in advance. Lucky me. And my poor butt.

    I guess I am perfectly okay with the procedure as I need it done but it just so happens to be happening at the same place where I actually work at. Just the floor below from where I normally sit. So instead of shying away from it, I've announced it was happening to my coworkers and have even joked about it to ease the awkwardness and add humor to the odd situation at hand. It is two years in the making. Right before I lost my job on April Fools Day 2009, I had met with a Gastroenterologist. He was going to check out why I have such a nasty gag reflex and then also perform a colonoscopy because of apparent issues I was having then (and sadly still having two years afterwards). However my health insurance was to expire May 1, 2009. And we couldn't get the procedures scheduled in time. And no way was I going to pay for this expensive plunge up the butt with my pocket book change!

    So it's now nearly two years after my termination and am in a new job, a new town, a new beginning. But with nothing resolved from yesteryear. Perhaps I'm sharing too much information with you. But alas, I simply do not care. If you have issues, get them checked out. Call me the poster girl for getting your butt checked out ~ early detection of the unknown.

    Yesterday my mom and I headed to Wally World and picked up the ingredients I have to swallow. Not one but two bottles of MiraLax and thankfully I get to drink it with orange Gatorade. The first bottle of M, I have to down that with 64 ounces of the orange stuff around noon on Sunday, the 13th, then around 6pm, I get to down another container of M with 24 ounces of Gatorade. But I didn't like the smaller version of the Gatorade so I bought a 30 ounce bottle. It's going to be gross enough my mother has told me and I have the WORST gag reflex ever. Ever!!!

    And starting on Friday the 11th, I have to start on an all clear liquid diet: jello, popsicles, clear broth, water .....three days of this, or two really since on the 13th at midnight, I cannot have a single drop of liquid, not even water to quench my thirst... just my own saliva till after the 60 minute procedure. And none of my diabetic pills. I am to sign in at 8AM and my procedure is at 9:30AM.

    I am secretly hoping there is about 35 lbs of poop stuck in the intestines that'll shoot out next weekend and then more dead stuff just being lazy in the tubes will be suctioned out too and I'll wake up from anesthesia at least 50 pounds lighter!!! I mean, my gawd, they have me drinking a ton of that laxative crap (no pun intended) and everything from my throat on down, you'd think will be cleansed through and through. What'll be left but my bones and flesh??? I want it all cleared out. I don't want any surprises either still lingering in the dark crevices of my intestines. 

    But I also hope some weird alien like creative doesn't suddenly emerge like what happened in the Alien movie sequels. I guess if it does, all I can say is, shit happens.

    March 7, 2011


    No more tension. Nada. That is how I have felt since I reported the "issue" to Corporate Compliance. I took a peek at this kid's fb page and all that nasty info he had on there for all to read is now gone. But he still listed his work place. Stupid boy.

    Then I felt I needed to just "block" everyone from my current place of employment as an extra security measure too. As you all may know, sometimes things I say are often misunderstood and instead of asking me the meaning of something I've posted or said, people just assume the worse and not realize I am a full fledged member of the National Sarcasm Society and it was a joke.

    Today is my day off, thankfully. Tomorrow and half of Wednesday too. A well deserved time for me. I had two grueling days at work that I just am slowly recovering from. And it's snowing on the prairie. Again. And cold as a butcher's freezer. Again.

    I must MUST must start on my two commissioned paintings that I was hired to do last month. I set my due date to be at the end of March. They are for a Catholic church's annual spring Gala in the village I moved from. Last year my paintings were both auctioned off for over $250 a piece at their silent auction. This year I told them I needed a more substantial fee as each painting takes a good 7-8 hours to complete.

    My agenda for the day as I sit here and type at 10:03AM....I plan to shower, eat some breakfast, finally put away the rest of my boxes from moving in end of January...and start drawing.... and get a nap scheduled in there too.

    This feels like a lame diary entry. But I'm too tired to think of anything clever to harp on.

    March 6, 2011

    tattoo me.

    This is not one of mine!
    I have three that I designed myself. And I waited a long long long time to get them. My first was done on 12/4/2004. I just realized at that moment that I did NOT need a MAN to fulfill my life and I was tired of ALL fucktits on this planet (Channeling Bridget Jones). So I designed a broken peace sign, with my childhood nickname written in teal blue in the center…and had the words: Strength, Truth, Wisdom, Laughter written around the black broken peace sign. This one is located on my lower back.

    The 2nd one was done 2/2006 and it’s teeny tiny on my inside ankle on my right ankle… it’s off a stick girl with long curly hair holding a teeny tiny yellow star standing on a half moon…with the words “I am a moonchild.”

    And lastly my third…when my art company became trademarked in Wash DC …I got a cartoon version of myself that I drew on my left outer calf leg with my company name above my cartoon self and my name below. I always said if I was ever murdered and cut to pieces, someone would be able to ID myself if they held up that part of the leg :)

    I regret none of them and would like to add a 4th.

    March 2, 2011

    i did it.

    I wish there was an option on here to write upside down. Because that's how I feel I should be writing. Like in shame or something. After a month of hoarding the info about my coworker's meanness of writing about how much he hates his job, how he hates us coworkers and how many times he used the F*bomb describing his job duties and everything else.... I bit the bullet and went to corporate compliance and told them what I had seen on facebook. I'm not trying to tattle or get this kid in trouble but I think they needed to know how disturbing the content of his angst was towards the place I actually love going to work at. As I was exiting the conversation with C.C., I begged them not to reveal my name. Of course, they said, no they wouldn't reveal anything. But in previous positions, when I've asked the very thing, they have always told who was the tattler. Writing upside down would be my answer for this post. Not to mention it'd be way cool. Carry on wayward son....

    my! what BIG eyes you have

    I confess my eyes are bigger than my wallet these days. But I thought I was doing okay in that department. I've never been one to actually sit down and balance anything other than what I could carry with both hands, my chin (by tucking things underneath) and my arms. So back when I was in General Math my freshman year of high school, I thought "no problemo" to the chapter on learning how to balance a check book. There were six of us my freshman year taking the class with good ole Mrs. G. The rest of our class was in Algebra I. Not my cup of tea. In fact, math has never been a good subject for me.

    I recall that I did not fair well in "learning how to balance anything," that year. In fact, I think I barely passed the easy class with a D-. I was not a good student after I hit junior high. I suppose I never applied myself but I also didn't really care. I only cared about the social status of high school, my freshman year, that is. Academically, no. My second oldest brother was born a wizard. He got ALL the smarts in my family. All of them. The rest of us siblings struggled and barely hung on. By the time I was a senior in high school, I could have wall papered my entire bedroom with all the Pink Slips I had received!

    Upon entering college, everyone was writing checks to pay for gas, booze and movies. I couldn't be left behind and naturally I had gotten myself into much trouble that way too. My mother probably lost more hairs and turned a lot whiter with me, the last kid of the bunch than any other of her offspring. But how would I have known, our family keeps a tight lip on every one's finances. And I was no exception.

    I learned the embarrassment of going into each place of business when my checks bounced. I was a mere age of 18 when I first had to do this feat. I should have learned my lesson there. But no, I didn't.

    In 1989, I left college after four years without graduating to become a nanny out East. I was doing very well managing my meager wages and following it like a hawk at the bank until I met the bestest besty friend I've ever ever ever known. Still to this date, she rules the roost for friends.

    Her BIG eyes taught me something evil. She was a spend-a-holic to the highest degree. At first I was in awe of her shopping capabilities. I admired her and ooohed and aaahed after she bought one terrific item after another. And not at clearance like I was always taught. Nope. She was a full-priced item kind of girl. Nothing was off limits to her.

    It all started one day at Filene's in a city near Boston, Massachusetts. We were at the cosmetic counter trying on oodles of perfumes. She found three she HAD to have and whipped out her Filene's credit card and that was that. I was eyeing a bottle of something sparkly I recall. The sales lady assumed I was like my fabulous friend. And then she asked the most god awful question ever. "Would you like to apply for a Filene's credit card?"

    I panicked. My small town roots on the prairie never prepared me for this kind of world. I was taught good values and really had high morals. I was raised in a strong Catholic home with great family ties. And here I was, standing in a busy (and fabulous) store with a fancy schmancy lady smiling in front of me dangling the forbidden apple right in front of my face!

    And I caved. Not only was I approved for the credit card, I was given a super high spending limit. I was both mortified AND thrilled all in one. My fab friend gushed with joy. And like her, bought three very expensive perfumes. All I had to do was sign my name.

    I'll spare you the details of my credit card nightmare that went from 1989 to 2005 when I had to file Chapter 7 bankruptcy. It's a long life of shame, humiliation, anger, stupidity and stress. Must I say anything else???

    Fast forward to present day. 2011. While I own absolutely zero credit cards....Oh wait. I own two store cards but my balances are almost paid off. Really. I swear. Girl Scout promise swear! But no Visas or Discovers or Mastercards or gas cards or any other works of the Devil. I've been slowly building back up my shitty credit since the bankruptcy. I was told it takes 7 years from the time you file. I'm six years in to my seventh year.

    Stupid is as stupid does.

    Anyways, here I am, March 2, 2011 and I have literally $2.06 to my birth name. I get paid on Friday. My $275 rent comes out a few days later and a slew of scheduled online bills follow. Yes, I'm saving money from my old rent of $465 and bills from my life in the other village... but I've added on new headaches that I didn't know would occur. When I signed up for cable/Internet here, I was told my monthly bill would be close to $60. According to the bill I received just yesterday, $91.53 will be coming out of my checking account very very soon. And I was told my electricity wouldn't run any more than $40 or $50 bucks. Yeah, ah... $92.24 is due in 18 days.


    So last night I froze. In bed. I turned down all the heat in all the rooms --- each room has it's own thermostat. Every one of them at 12Noon yesterday were at a lovely 52 degrees. I wore two pairs of socks, thick sweat pants, a long thick short with a hoodie over that and a ginormous down comforter and I snuggled up like I was in a cave with no room to budge. And that's how I slept. When I woke up this morning, my eyelids were icy and my nose was so cold.

    I guess it's a good thing I don't drive to work anymore as I only live one block from my job. Gas is now a record high in these parts of the Dakota Territory. $3.28/gallon.

    I Girl Scout promise I will learn to balance my check.
    Starting tomorrow...

    March 1, 2011

    should i tattle?

    I'm torn between doing the right thing and/or just ignoring something and turning the other cheek which basically is the same thing as ignoring the elephant in the room.

    When I was first at my now not so new gig back in December 2010, I thought it'd be cool to "friend" all the coworkers there (stupid of me to think it was actually cool) but I did. And many days later, I went to cancel majority of the requests or simply unfriend everyone I friended. I'm notorious for doing this since 2004 when I first hooked up with the crazy sensation. Unfortunately for me, many had already accepted my facebook friendship and were telling me how excited it was that I was now at the same place of employment as they were. So I couldn't really defriend them, now could I?

    Anywho, last month I was doing my normal stalking on facebook -- going through friends of friends' pages when I found one of a much younger new coworker of mine. He wrote where he worked, listed his job and then proceeded to blast everyone to the ground with the F*Bomb and saying basically what a shit hole it is to work there I was just hired.

    Now someone of you have been reading my blogs since the beginning, also in 2004. And you all know what almost happened to me in 2004... I was almost dooced for it. (Google dooced if you don't know what it means). So here is the situation now....

    A kid who just graduated from high school in 2008 has been working where I have been since 2006. He's in college studying psychology apparently. He is from my new village, his parents live here still, blah blah blah. Oh and he's super arrogant, cocky, the whole nine yards. And he's gay but pretending he's straight. I nailed him immediately on that nugget.

    Anywho, I shared what I discovered with another coworker of mine who is like my Wonder Twin at work. She agrees with me that I should print out his facebook page and turn it into three people at work: HR, the CEO and our Corporate Compliance person.

    Not wanting to be a meanie here but I actually VALUE the place I'm employed at. Granted he's what, 20, and I'm 43 but I still VALUE the place that just hired me and believe in the mission and all the Godly stuff that goes with it.

    I motored to my mom's for lunch today. My printer isn't set up yet so I printed off his fb page with the nastiness he wrote about the people, the patients and about my other coworkers, my friends. He slams everyone!!! So here I am, typing about it because I don't know what to do about it. I do honestly feel the HR person, for sure, needs to know what he's blabbing about considering he did have to sign a confidentiality form to work where I work. He also definitely needs to just grow up too.

    What would you do?

    will i ever break even?

    Am frustrated now. And done with shopping. I'm broke. The great thing about my job is that I like it. A lot. The shitty part of it is... it's the same crap pay as my old job gave me... so I have the same money issues I had there. And it just caught up with me. I am fairly fucked right now.