October 25, 2011

scared to blog

This is going to sound crazy but at times. Well most of the time, I'm so scared to blog. To really tell the world about what I am truly feeling. I know a blog is supposed to be a place where you can release all the things built up in your melon --- like a release of sorts but even though I write without revealing my true identity, people still know who I am. And perhaps, it is just that I don't want THOSE people to know how depressed I really am. Or the thoughts that are constantly pouring into my mind and sloshing around and too afraid to type what I am really feeling. I don't want anyone to judge me. At least, not on my personal blog. People judge me enough in the real world and that's why, perhaps, I have chosen to become a full on hermit.

People, in general, scare me. This is not a secret. And most, I do not like. I've always been this way. Well, since I was 15 and all that crap happened to me in 1982. The anniversary is approaching.

October 29, 1982 was when the Letter to the Editor was printed. The one I wrote. And Halloween 1982, all hell broke loose. That was then I realized who my real friends were. And it wasn't very many. As you see, once upon a time, I was THE popular girl. Me. And only ME.

Then it all changed. For the worse. Looking back, I suppose I've been brainwashed enough to believe that "everything happens for a reason" and "let go, move on" ....but it's never left me. The loneliness has always stuck. And the memories of it all.

And the first time learning about KARMA.

Here's a truth. I hate my job. I hate it. It's still super hard and it appears to be getting harder. I knew nothing about the medical field other than what I know from being diabetic and having sleep apnea and the occasional sore throat. But after working 10 months this Thursday there... I still am in the infancy stage of trying to fathom everything and digest and even try to remember, retain SOMETHING!!!!

I get NO support from anyone. None. And anytime I try to tell my mom about it, she throws back into my face how many times I had told her "how much I love my new job." But I'm not going to do a damn thing about it. Because... I'm already "settled in" here. In my teeny tiny one bedroom, no dishwasher apartment. And I also feel stupid for telling everyone about my "great" new gig and loving it to pieces.

Today, I am on my fourth day off. Every other week, I get four and a half days off. I don't return to work till tomorrow at 2pm. Then I'm on through Sunday. It'll be fine, IF I get good workers to be with. But lately, it all feels to fake. So forced. So awful.

I am to be HAPPY & CALM all the time, my supervisor told me. Or tells me constantly. I am to not express my thoughts or anything to anyone but keep my mouth shut. She told me the other day that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. She can always tell when I am upset or in a bad mood. Well she's no magician because I can tell when others are too.

Leave me be. Please.