October 31, 2011

one month to go

Tonight I had one trick or treater. It was a horse.

I did get to watch all four episodes back to back - four hours straight - of American Horror Story. I am all caught up now and am excited to know, I'm no longer lost in the show. It's still creepy to me but I'm not turning it off now.

Then I caught a show about a bunch of Skunk Apes - cousins to the almighty Big Foot - down in the swamps of Florida. Quite intriguing. Then I slept and slept and slept solid and a rock.

Now I have a cold. And I cannot stop sneezing or blowing my nose! I hate this time of year. I got the flu shot but still am surrounded by a zillion germs now...worse than when I worked with all the children last year. And speaking of the word "year" ...I cannot believe come December 27th will mark my one year anniversary with my current job. I still remember when I was offered the job. It was December 14th. I was so excited but slightly annoyed I didn't get the wage I originally asked for.

It will be in 10 years, when I will make what I had originally asked for. They give 3% raises annually. So far I've only gotten a 2% raise on my six month anniversay. Still.... all my monie troubles followed me from last year to this year. And it still sucks. And has weighed down on me all these past months and today.

October 28, 2011

muck you.

To the bitch who had to go to my old high school blog I made just for my class of 1985 for our 20th reunion back in 2005. So what, an error was made. Muckity muck to you. And <<poof>> it's now deleted. I was sick of having that up anyways since 2005. And for good measures, I blocked her on facebook too....oooohweeee. I have so much power!!!!

Last two days haven't been ALL that bad at work. I tolerated it. I'm still stuck working the weekend though and it's low census ... meaning we have no peeps to look after. Gee, how many packets of crap can I make in a 10- 1/2 hour shift tomorrow??? I'd have better luck locking myself into the toilet and hand picking off each of my leg hairs since I accidently forgot to shave all summer long!!!!

Perhaps I'll live as a pioneer woman did ~ hairy legs and all ....shit, I'm already on the prairie.

October 26, 2011


I am addicted to them. Hate the sweet kind though. I don't understand their purpose. But dill, give me a bucket of them and they'll be gone by bedtime. My other addiction: sunflower seeds. It's all I eat during my favorite teevee shows.

Tonight, is "American Horror Story" ... a new favorite even though I missed the pilot and still am trying to figure it all out. I still don't understand the guy with the half burned face. I read he was an old owner of the "house of murder" and he started a fire there and that's how he ended up looking like he does now. And I find him somewhat charming. I mean, he did, after all murder Hayden last week. With a shovel.

In less than two hours I go back to work. To start MY four and half days of work. I don't know how to feel about this or what to feel or anything other than I'm cold. I'm holding out on wearing socks and anything winter. It's pretty dreary out too. I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude too. I am. I have like a zillion positive little signs on my desktop. I read them. I get what they are telling me. But I just need to believe it.

And what I hate about going in at 2pm on Wednesdays is.... it takes me like a good 30 minutes to digest exactly what the hell is going on. A lot of shit has transpired since I was last there on October 21st. I always feel stupid just sitting there trying to regroup. And everyone walks by and says hi and I say hi back and then boom, I'm thrown in the trenches. Every second of that place is different. Nothing stays the same. Ever.

I'm eating hamburger pickles right now and I am not so okay with that. I bought a big ginormous jar of them on Saturday. I thought they'd last longer than the whole ones. But today, they aren't doing anything for me but upset my stomach. And that I hate.

October 25, 2011

scared to blog

This is going to sound crazy but at times. Well most of the time, I'm so scared to blog. To really tell the world about what I am truly feeling. I know a blog is supposed to be a place where you can release all the things built up in your melon --- like a release of sorts but even though I write without revealing my true identity, people still know who I am. And perhaps, it is just that I don't want THOSE people to know how depressed I really am. Or the thoughts that are constantly pouring into my mind and sloshing around and too afraid to type what I am really feeling. I don't want anyone to judge me. At least, not on my personal blog. People judge me enough in the real world and that's why, perhaps, I have chosen to become a full on hermit.

People, in general, scare me. This is not a secret. And most, I do not like. I've always been this way. Well, since I was 15 and all that crap happened to me in 1982. The anniversary is approaching.

October 29, 1982 was when the Letter to the Editor was printed. The one I wrote. And Halloween 1982, all hell broke loose. That was then I realized who my real friends were. And it wasn't very many. As you see, once upon a time, I was THE popular girl. Me. And only ME.

Then it all changed. For the worse. Looking back, I suppose I've been brainwashed enough to believe that "everything happens for a reason" and "let go, move on" ....but it's never left me. The loneliness has always stuck. And the memories of it all.

And the first time learning about KARMA.

Here's a truth. I hate my job. I hate it. It's still super hard and it appears to be getting harder. I knew nothing about the medical field other than what I know from being diabetic and having sleep apnea and the occasional sore throat. But after working 10 months this Thursday there... I still am in the infancy stage of trying to fathom everything and digest and even try to remember, retain SOMETHING!!!!

I get NO support from anyone. None. And anytime I try to tell my mom about it, she throws back into my face how many times I had told her "how much I love my new job." But I'm not going to do a damn thing about it. Because... I'm already "settled in" here. In my teeny tiny one bedroom, no dishwasher apartment. And I also feel stupid for telling everyone about my "great" new gig and loving it to pieces.

Today, I am on my fourth day off. Every other week, I get four and a half days off. I don't return to work till tomorrow at 2pm. Then I'm on through Sunday. It'll be fine, IF I get good workers to be with. But lately, it all feels to fake. So forced. So awful.

I am to be HAPPY & CALM all the time, my supervisor told me. Or tells me constantly. I am to not express my thoughts or anything to anyone but keep my mouth shut. She told me the other day that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. She can always tell when I am upset or in a bad mood. Well she's no magician because I can tell when others are too.

Leave me be. Please.

October 5, 2011

running into people i loathe

Yesterday I had a great lunch date with one of my most talkative friends ever. Upon leaving the Mexican joint, someone from my childhood was waiting in line to be seated. I didn't see her at first because my glasses make images/people foggy at times so when I did see her and who it was, I was hesitant to even be polite and wave. But I succumbed to the uncomfortable pressure and walked over to her.

While making very brief small talk with her, I rejoined my friend to walk out of the restaurant with her....and as I turned to leave this person from my past, she asked, "How's Janie doing?" I was like WHO??? She repeated the same question and then I was jolted to reality and realized she was talking about my older sister. First, no one has called her Janie since she was little and she's now 48 and second.... this oddball entity in front of me has never discussed/talked/etc. about my witchy sister. Ever.

She took me off guard that's for sure and how dare she interrupt my wonderful lunch with my friend. That's what I first thought. It was so out of the blue and so random. But it was very random to see this person from my childhood too as she's quite anti social. And frankly once she opened her mouth to speak I regretted going over towards her to be polite.

Out poured from me was a lot of hate towards "Janie" to this oddball from my past. And for second I allowed that hatred to take over myself and make me feel all the horrible things she's done to me over the past 13 years -- my darling sissy not this oddball weirdo I once played girls softball with when we were young.

After hugging my friend and saying so long, I left feeling like the oddball loser was planted there to purposely plant more doubt in my head, the same that my darling sissy has done to me for years on end. And it wasn't a good experience for me.

October 4, 2011

counting down till july 2013

So I got my new driver license today...right before the lady took my photo of me smiling, she told me to get the hair out of my eyes (um???) so I did and that's when she captured me forever on hard plastic of me looking like I am sooo overly disgruntled and with a lazy eye to boot!!! Oh and me looking half way sideways. And did I mention very disgruntled?? I will be frozen in time till July 2013... when the actual renewal will take place.

October 1, 2011

thanks mom

I got the perfect note from my mom today: Remember there is a war going on, and if your only offense is sighing, it would be a great world. ♥