February 21, 2011

i am what i am.

So who I am really? I haven't pondered that kind of thought for quite some time now. I guess I'm still in a fog from asking to apply for the job I currently have to finding out I got the job to writing my termination notice to my evil apartment manager ...to actually leaving that "city" to moving to rural America, a mere 35 miles west of where I lived -- very unhappily -- for nearly 13 years.

I currently live in a very small cottage of a town. A town that my mother was born and raised in. A town that I never thought in my wildest dreams I'd ever end up in. Ever. But here I am. Moved in around January 18th or so and started to "live" here January 24th with internet and cable already hooked up. I started my new job December 27th. I could have started earlier. I wish I had now. But I'm not trying to focus on any regrets.

April 1, 2009 at approximately 3:30PM after putting in a full days work, I was fired after six years, three months and 29 days. I was at a dead end gig. I hated it with a passion and there was no way of ever moving up the ladder. It was at a call center for a credit card company. I took the position back on February 10, 2003 thinking I'd be there maybe six months max. But there I was six years later. And they fought tooth and nail to NOT give me any unemployment benefits. I was unemployed for close to five months.

A part time gig working with small children hired me at the beginning of the school year that Fall. It was part time yet they wanted you to work as a full time person with no benefits and wake at the crack of insanity and be there on time at 5AM. They changed Directors three times in less than the year and three months I worked for them. And staff came and went. No one was full time yet many promised it'd go full time. It was a lot of hard work, a lot of awful office politics and a lot of bullshit. But I did enjoy some of the children. Most had very annoying mothers who felt their child was special and deserved better treatment. I disagreed with them all. I was told I had an attitude problem. I did. Wouldn't you??? I hated it there too.

End of November 2010, I received a miraculous phone call from the HR department in this tiny hamlet of a village I now call home. She urged me to apply for the new position opening up here. I didn't get too excited but how many HR directors call potential employees to apply??

About two weeks later, I was called for an interview. A few days after that, one of my friends, a former supervisor for the part time gig mentioned above, sent me a text message saying she was called for the job I had the interview for. Now I was excited.

December 14, 2010, I was offered the position. Full time status, full benefits (did I mention I lost my health insurance April 30, 2009?) and it was a wonderful place to be employed at. Lots of stuff went down. My life went from deep depression to a slap in the face-I'm wanted, I'm really wanted for a good position-Oh my God I gotta move, I gotta pack, I gotta do a ton of shit......

So it's now February 21, 2011.... in six days will mark my 2 month anniversary of being employed full time. In a town that is 10 miles away from my childhood homestead. I'm no longer attached to the place I called home for the past 13 years. I'm slowly cutting off all ties I've had with that depressing place. I had no happiness there. None. I had few friends. Real friends I mean. You know the kind you can actually DEPEND upon. I want nothing to do with the place with the children and all the mean spirited bosses there. They said they had my back. But they lied. And my anger is pretty much dissolved from that place. I now only miss like four or five kids. I really sound awful by saying that. But it's true.

I am what I am.
I am an artist.
My imagination is through the roof.
I am a friend. A good and loyal one at that.
I love a good hearty laugh.
I have a great work ethic. But I don't live to work or work to live.
My job is merely a place where I go, I work hard and I get a biweekly paycheck.
A paycheck that I get to buy goodies on ebay and at fun places to fill my home with wackadoodle gunk.
I'm a fun neighbor.
I'm an avid book reader of true crime and other nonfiction works like memoirs.
I'm an Aunt, a sister, a daughter and a granddaughter, although all my grandparents are dead.
Matilda George are the names of my Grandma and Grandpa.
Two people taken from my young life. I was 11.
I'm now learning about them at the age of 43.
I firmly believe Matilda (they called her Tillie) is my guardian angel.
I have three of them.
A psychic told me that, back in 1998.
I believe in Angels, Mary - the mother of Jesus...and many many Holy Ghosts.
And spirits.
And haunted things.
I'm hopelessly romantic, but haven't dated anyone since 2004.
He was mean. To me.
So I have up the hope.
Is that weird?
I am what I am.
You either like me or you don't.
But it kinda bugs me when people don't.
I do give second chances but never thirds.

I was with someone a very very long time ago that twisted the meaning of love for me.
I haven't heard from him or seen him since 1993.
While I don't miss him, I missed the fun, the laughter, the silliness we used to have.
I miss being protected. Even though he wasn't much of a protector.
Is it wrong for me to wish, someone is out there for me. Still?
After all these years?
I just cannot imagine that God would allow me to be single all these years without someone to love.

Right by my front door, I have hung a beautiful ceramic plague that reads HOPE. I see it when I leave the house, I see it when I come home.

2011 is the year for HOPE. For me. And all of my wishes.
This is the year for me. I just know it.