March 22, 2011

memo missed.

I went to pay my respects today for my cousin who died at the ripe age of 48 years and 27 days. We drove in a thick fog, rain and later on it hailed golf balls. We arrived early and was surrounded with a ton of my father's first cousins -- all in their 70s and 80s. I was the only one representing my generation beside Scott's three sisters. Wait, I was the 3rd one amongst the sisters. When I went over to see him in the casket... I was mortified. There wasn't anything left of him. But a shell of a human being. I think I felt my heart stop. What happened to my fun loving boisterous sounding cousin Scott??? Before me was a mega skinny skeleton covered with hardly any skin and hardly any hair on his head. His skin was stretched so badly across his face, I didn't know what to do but stand there and close my eyes breathing deeply. I knew I had to move because people were lining up behind me. And for second, I couldn't find my mom in the sea of black and more black. Thankfully, she wore a rust colored outfit and I found her.

I never got the memo that you had to show up in solid black to attend. I was the only one with a lime green coat on. I was the only one it seemed in a bright colored blue shirt too. And I was the only one without a ton of heavy jewelry on too. My mom said "this is how they do it in the big cities." I was too much in a foggy state of mind to disagree with her at that moment in time. Then we were all shoved into the "family room" to stand amongst ourselves with the other family members of the other cousins not belonging to us. I felt like I was stuck in some sort of time warp. I had no feelings whatsoever and I just gawked at anyone crying.

Then the procession started. I was shoved directly by the coffin, standing behind Scott's nephew. The choir started singing this angelic music and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't feeling anything. Emotionally, I mean. I mean, here I was, standing mere inches from a guy I really dug. He was a cool cousin. Funny. Smart. Witty. And now here was his body, all skeleton like.... seriously I was creeped out.

My mom picked me up too early for me to fix my hair. She didn't give me enough time to blow dry it so I put it back in the front with a barrette....when I ran into the bathroom I saw how much of a goon I looked like. And felt. Since again, I wasn't given the memo on the black dress code. And what the city slickers do. I'm just rural prairie girl who likes to wear bright colors. I'm such a geek.

I never fully relaxed or felt like my real self until my mom and I fled the scene, after eating the funeral food of ham sandwiches and crappy salads. Then my emotions all came out. Everything. And God must've heard me. Cause right then and there we saw a ginormous lightening bolt, heard a loud crack of thunder and boy did the rain ever come down hard.

My thoughts were heard. Now safely back in my own teeny tiny hamlet of a home....I'm still cold. I'm still reeling from seeing him look so unlike him and as I looked up into the grey skyline tonight, I wondered how he is doing now, pain free...curiously wondering if he knew I was there. To say.... goodbye.