March 14, 2011

meet me at the age of 25

September 21, 1992

Things aren't as always as they seem. Correct?! Correct.
I am 25 years old and I think I have everything under some control -- but in the back of my mind I know something just is not right.

Manipulation is such a BIG word. I am over 1,000 [sic] from where I was born and raised yet I still feel the negative vibes from my growing up years and especially from the house in which I lived from age 12 to 18 in.

Am unsure what the feeling I'm gathering is right now. I don't think it's anger. Because I am not really angry anymore at my parents, my past or my growing up times.

It's time for me to move on to forget "back then" -- remember the good times -- But that's where I get all foggy. I hardly recall any good times in the house on Blank Blvd*. I was scared almost all the time. I had horrible nightmares and I got punished there a lot too.

My favorite times there were when I got to sit in front of the fireplace and nap! I also liked to sit in the red sitting room and watch the rain by myself.

Whenever my father was around, I stayed mostly in my room: playing, reading or sleeping. I lived in a secluded area -- where there were lots of trees and fields nearby. Usually on Sundays, I would go in the corn field behind our house and pick the corn that was already dead and walk along the trees. I'd leave bits of dried corn for the birds, whether or not they ate it or not, it always made me feel good.

I didn't have many friends when we moved to the house on the hill. Everyone thought of me as a snot. I didn't think I was!

Some Sunday nights, Sue* and Bob* and Tara* would come over and we'd play games on our Atari or rent movies, making prank phone calls. Those nights were always fun for me.

It was sorta weird actually because in school, Tara and I didn't get along very well and on the weekends when all the other kids were not near, we got along great. I did like Tara, but she pulled a lot of mean stunts that made me dislike her in the end.

Sometimes when I had to go to Kyndall* for my mom to get something at the store, I'd invite Tara to go with me and we always went to the Dairy Queen before we went back to our hometown. We always had a lot of fun since I really enjoyed doing errands for my mother... then things changed dramatically when I went to college. But I will always remember going to the DQ with Tara....

When I went off to college I quit doing errands for my mother. And also, quit doing things with Tara.

* Names have been changed to protect my identity.