March 8, 2011

ah, i guess i am ready...

Or not. March 14th is the actual procedure. But per my instructions, I have to start three days in advance. Lucky me. And my poor butt.

I guess I am perfectly okay with the procedure as I need it done but it just so happens to be happening at the same place where I actually work at. Just the floor below from where I normally sit. So instead of shying away from it, I've announced it was happening to my coworkers and have even joked about it to ease the awkwardness and add humor to the odd situation at hand. It is two years in the making. Right before I lost my job on April Fools Day 2009, I had met with a Gastroenterologist. He was going to check out why I have such a nasty gag reflex and then also perform a colonoscopy because of apparent issues I was having then (and sadly still having two years afterwards). However my health insurance was to expire May 1, 2009. And we couldn't get the procedures scheduled in time. And no way was I going to pay for this expensive plunge up the butt with my pocket book change!

So it's now nearly two years after my termination and am in a new job, a new town, a new beginning. But with nothing resolved from yesteryear. Perhaps I'm sharing too much information with you. But alas, I simply do not care. If you have issues, get them checked out. Call me the poster girl for getting your butt checked out ~ early detection of the unknown.

Yesterday my mom and I headed to Wally World and picked up the ingredients I have to swallow. Not one but two bottles of MiraLax and thankfully I get to drink it with orange Gatorade. The first bottle of M, I have to down that with 64 ounces of the orange stuff around noon on Sunday, the 13th, then around 6pm, I get to down another container of M with 24 ounces of Gatorade. But I didn't like the smaller version of the Gatorade so I bought a 30 ounce bottle. It's going to be gross enough my mother has told me and I have the WORST gag reflex ever. Ever!!!

And starting on Friday the 11th, I have to start on an all clear liquid diet: jello, popsicles, clear broth, water .....three days of this, or two really since on the 13th at midnight, I cannot have a single drop of liquid, not even water to quench my thirst... just my own saliva till after the 60 minute procedure. And none of my diabetic pills. I am to sign in at 8AM and my procedure is at 9:30AM.

I am secretly hoping there is about 35 lbs of poop stuck in the intestines that'll shoot out next weekend and then more dead stuff just being lazy in the tubes will be suctioned out too and I'll wake up from anesthesia at least 50 pounds lighter!!! I mean, my gawd, they have me drinking a ton of that laxative crap (no pun intended) and everything from my throat on down, you'd think will be cleansed through and through. What'll be left but my bones and flesh??? I want it all cleared out. I don't want any surprises either still lingering in the dark crevices of my intestines. 

But I also hope some weird alien like creative doesn't suddenly emerge like what happened in the Alien movie sequels. I guess if it does, all I can say is, shit happens.